No.

I know this is complete and utter exhaustion talking but right about now I'm feeling totally dejected and all the excitement I was feeling about our new place has left me.

I wonder when work will stop being so busy? I wonder when I will be able to take a deep breath?

I want to go on a week long vacation by myself where I do nothing but sleep, eat delicious food, read, immerse myself in warm water under some sun. And then I want to come home and spend some time with friends. I could really use a good friend hangout.

Once work slows down and I've moved and unpacked I seriously need to start meditating or something.

I want to go see "New Moon" with The Don and eat popcorn and drink a coke.

Speaking of The Don, she gave me a housewarming present tonight - a lovely bakeware set. She's so great. I wish everyone knew The Don that I know. Now I'm getting all sad that she won't be next door to me after Saturday.

Sheesh.

Thursday, November 19th

Today has been weird. I started the day off feeling pretty funny but very excited to have slept. Shortly after I arrived at work I developed a splitting headache. At 12:15 I left work for my doctor appointment. While sitting in the waiting room I got so sleepy all of a sudden that I almost fell asleep. Then an older woman with diabetes and obvious mental health issues came out of one of the rooms. She was kind of loud and causing a bit of a scene but she seemed sweet. The receptionist called her a cab (Handydart is on strike she said). The cab arrived and the woman went outside.

So, I'm sitting there for what seems like a long time. I know I'm going to be late getting back to work. I'm about to get up and ask them to chop chop, when the woman comes back in crying hysterically and talking very loudly about how she can't get home. It's not a round trip and that the cabbie won't take her and can the doctor's office call welfare because she has no way home. So there's all this commotion at the front desk and you can tell the receptionists' don't know what to do and are also very busy and the woman is just crying her head off and then they call my name and as I'm walking past the woman, the cabbie comes inside and says he has to go, he can't keep sitting there waiting for them to sort it out with welfare. And I'm pretty broke but I just look at this poor woman who is obviously so much worse off than me that I feel like a fucking asshole for feeling sorry for myself because wah I can't sleep and wah I'm kind of broke. Because look, I have a car that gets me places and I have a roof over my head and I can afford to eat and I have my health and I have a job. So basically in that moment I realize what a pussy ass loser I am so I ask the driver how much it will cost to get her home and I gave him a $20 and tell the woman everything will be ok and to go home and enjoy the rest of her day.

So then I go into the little room and it's not my doctor, it's a nurse practitioner. somehow my doctor is never working. Like, anytime I try and make an appointment it's hard enough to get in to see anyone, but especially my doctor. I explain I need my birth control prescription refilled and that I need my ativan prescription refilled because I'm so stressed with everything that I can't sleep. Only she's a nurse practitioner and she can only prescribe some things and ativan is not one of them. so she goes away for awhile and comes back and some other doc has signed for it but only signed it for 20 pills! I am no ativan rookie! What the eff are they doing only giving me 20? And it was only .5 milligrams a pill and I normally take the 1 milligram dose so really these are only going to last me 10 times.

She tells me that people can get addicted to it and so they can only prescribe a little at first. Yeah, I know that! I went through this years ago when I was first prescribed it, asshole. I asked her if they had ever bothered to get my doctors records from my doctor in Langley because if they had they would see that I've never abused it and I've been taking it off and on for almost 10 years.

They don't have my records, even though I signed for them to get them almost two years ago when I became a patient. ARG. So then she says not to worry, I can just come back and get another prescription when my 20 pills are done and that's when I started crying. FUCK. I hate my fragile emotions! So now I'm babbling that I have a hard enough time ever getting an appointment to see a doctor and as it is I'm late getting back to work and that I feel like I'm being treated like a drug addict that can't be trusted when if they just did their job and got my files this wouldn't be an issue.

Then I left and cried all the way back to work. I guess the stress and lack of sleep really is getting to me.

I was really feeling like the day was sucking and still feeling like an asshole about my bad attitude and all those less fortunate than I and for being a big baby. But then I got an email from Marcie saying that her brother just found out he is cancer free!!!! There's a very high chance it will come back because of the kind of cancer it is but you know what? He's cancer free right now and that's what matters! I kind of can't even describe how I'm feeling about this. I have to keep getting up and going into the bathroom and trying to keep my sobbing at an inaudible volume.

I don't want Marcie and Shanna to lose their brother. And I don't want Lynne and Rick to lose a son. And I want Shane to live a long and happy life with a wife and kids and his motorcycle. And right now I'm allowed to believe that all of those things are going to happen.

SUCK IT CANCER!

Busy brain

I have lost the ability to sleep. Any one that knows me well will understand how weird and how brutal this is for me.

I'm one of those people that needs 9 hours of sleep a night. I can fall asleep easily and almost anywhere. I avoid going out just to get a good night of sleep. Well people, all that has been thrown out the window! I've turned into a zombie.

It's been a little over a month since my insomnia set in and I'm beginning to really feel it. I cannot turn my brain off when my head hits the pillow. As soon as the lights go off and I lay down, my mind starts racing. I'm thinking so much that I can't even finish a thought before the next one has begun. And then after hours of trying to sleep, I fall into a light snooze only to wake up an hour later, wide awake.

I'm going to fucking gouge my eyes out!

I know it has to be because I'm so busy and life is a bit chaotic right now. Work has oddly been insanely busy. Up until a few weeks ago I was planning my wedding and then with finding a new place to live, Matthew and I have been going through all of our stuff and packing. We've also been out picking up things for our new place. Our bedroom is so messy with boxes and whatnot. I don't handle living in mess very well. It makes me feel out of sorts.

So as I sit here, falling asleep at my desk I've decided that I need to quiet the brain a bit. I need to get my Ativan prescription refilled and I need to start taking it every night until I move and get settled.

To think, within 2 weeks we will be all moved in, hopefully unpacked and then a few weeks after that I'm on holiday for 2 weeks. I NEED THIS!!!

Yawn.

I thought this day would never come.

As of December 1st, Matthew and I will have our very own place! Honestly, I couldn't be happier about this. I'm so excited that I can't stop smiling and thinking about it and I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I feel like everything in my life is really coming together and it feels wonderful.

An enormous weight has been lifted and I already feel happier and calmer and less aggro.

I kind of can't believe that in a month's time I will be in a space all my own. It will be so clean and quiet and wonderful! And my kitchen! It's more spacious than what I've got now and it will be sparkling and there's room for a table and there's tons of cupboard/counter space and I'll be able to cook and bake finally, whenever I want! And since it's my own space I can even do it naked if I feel like it. Which I won't but I can and that's all that matters.

Our new place is in a 2 floor walk up in Kits. There are only 4 apartments and it's old and full of character. And when I say Kits, I mean it. Like way down, near the Hollywood Theatre. We're on Carnarvon St. just off Broadway. I personally love that neighbourhood and am so excited to be near that theatre and the book stores and all the restaurants.

It's empty now and we can have it early if we want but we have to pay for it if we do that and we're pretty broke right now. I'm hoping that some spare cash falls from the skies so we can get it a week early. Then we can get in there and paint and move things in slowly. Dec. 1st is on a Tuesday and that's not really an ideal day to move. So if you find $300 on the road pass it my way, eh?

So there you go. I'm so happy I'm bursting at the seams!

Ding dong.

I am now officially excited to start the wedding planning thanks to a lengthy chat with Shanna yesterday.

Let the serious planning begin!

We're fine.

Ferd update! He's back in biz. I can't tell you how relieved I am! Well, yes I can, I just did. As of Sunday he was back on food and water and seems to be in fine form.

Busy week coming up, looking forward to it. Oh and I'm going to see an advance screening of Where the Wild Things Are tomorrow night with Heidi, courtesy of Chantelle.

I spent Sunday night at my Mom's. My Dad is hunting right now and sinc eI didn't end up getting to see her for Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday at my sister's, I went to her place on Sunday. We ate dinner, I made another pie and we watched Suddenly Last Summer with Elizabeth Taylor, Kathrine Hepburn and Montgomery Clift. It was excellent! Boy oh boy is Elizabeth Taylor stunning. When I was little my Mom had a big white hardcover book about her and I looked through all the pretty pictures of her so many times, completely fascinated by her beauty.

Did you hear the rumour that Liza Minelli will be in the new SATC movie, performing Single Ladies at Stanford's wedding? I don't know what that has to do with anything but I was tickled to hear it. I hope she shows of her little legs while she's doing it.

Since I somehow segued from my cat into celebrities (weird, right?) I'm going to tell you something embarrassing. I bought a ticket to go see Ryan Gosling's band play. I have only heard one song. I do no not care what they sound like. I bought it strictly so that I could go and stare at my fantasy lover. Yes, I did. I know I should be ashamed but I'm just not. It was $15. I would spend more than that to see one of his movies and slurp down a giant pop. And I have a posse. I'm going with my sister, Fraser, Dave and his girlfriend, so I'm not the only one going to admire his beauty. And hey, maybe the music will sound alright.

Thanksgiving?

It's been a rough 24 hours. My best little bud Ferd is sick again. I'm really worried. Yesterday he had a bit of diarrhea and he barely ate any food and then at around 10pm he started throwing up. He threw up about 7 times through the night. I called the emergency animal clinic and they told me to pull his food (which I had already done) and water and keep an eye on him and if he started throwing up constantly then bring him in. Actually she said I could bring him in right away if I wanted but that it would cost me $190 just for someone to even look at him. So instead I barely slept because I was so worried and wanted to be aware if he was getting sicker. I called his vet the second they opened and was able to take him in there. They gave him a worm pill in case he has worms, an iv drip to hydrate him, a shot of antacid to try and settle his tummy and they gave me some pills to give him starting tomorrow. $140 later... and if he is still throwing up tomorrow I have to take him back for an xray and blood test. I have not been able to feed him at all today and when I tried giving him like 10 little kibbles crushed up he threw them all up. My mind is going to dark places. I'm not a religious person by any means but I've been praying to whoever is listening to me to please let my fatty feel better and not die. My beloved Flossie died of stomach cancer years ago so my brain keeps going there... please send your positive vibes our way!

And today was Thanksgiving. I was supposed to have a family dins at my sisters with my Mom and Grandma but my Grandma hasn't been feeling well and cancelled yesterday and then my Mom decided not to go. With Ferd being sick I almost didn't go myself but I had a pie, stuffing and rolls to bring and didn't want to ditch so I made Ferd comfy, gave Johnny a key and asked him to check on him a few times and to call me if anything seemed wrong. I'm glad me and Matthew went. It was nice to relax for a few hours but I did keep thinking about Ferd. Dinner was amazing and my pie turned out quite well. We watched Live Free Die Hard and then drove home. The closer we got to Vancouver the more I started to panic that we would come home and Ferd would be sicker but thankfully he still seems quite alert and normal. I still can't feed him so I'll try a tiny bit tomorrow. There was only one tiny watery barf patch when we got home so that's good. Not that there's anything for him to throw up since he didn't have access to food or water.. he's sitting beside me right now cleaning himself. I love him.

Ramble much? Sorry. I've been so anxious and with the lack of sleep and big stress plus a giant turkey dinner... well I'm feeling a bit out of it.

Good night. Pray to someone or something for my fatty's good health.

Amanda the Imposter!

So I guess I owe my blog an update in lieu of the recent events in my life. Most likely if you read this blog and we hang out in real life then you've already heard the news: I'M GETTING MARRIED!

On my 30th birthday, Matthew, myself, my sister and Fraser drove up to Cache Creek to one of our very favourite places, Hat Creek Ranch, to spend a few days. That evening as the sun was setting Matthew suggested we go for a walk. We wandered past the horses and goats and into the orchard and onwards to some strange little log cabins built into the hill behind them. Suddenly Matthew was on one knee with a ring in his hand. I wish I could tell you what he actually said to me but to be honest I haven't a clue. I was so shocked that I can't remember. I don't even remember saying yes but I know I did.

This is all very surreal to me. For most of my life I always figured I would not get married. It didn't appeal to me and I didn't think it was necessary. I never fantasized about a big wedding the way so many girls do. In fact, the idea of putting on a white dress and walking down an aisle while people stare at me and then have them listen to me exchange vows with my sweetheart, well, that sounds like torture to me. Literally.

I guess I also always felt like I didn't really want to be with just one person for the rest of my life.

Now I know that that's because I hadn't met the right person yet. As soon as me and Matthew got to know each other a bit I knew we would get married. And now here we are, engaged and happy!

We left Cache Creek three days later after a relaxing weekend filled with sleep, bacon cheeseburgers and pie.

I had one day home before leaving for Los Angeles to see Marcie.

I often struggle with the fact that Marcie doesn't live here anymore. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again: I don't care to live in a city that Marcie isn't in. In this case though there's nothing I can do about the situation. If it were easy I think me and Matthew would pack up and move there too.

Los Angeles has always been a a city that I haven't given much thought to. And when I've been there I didn't think it was too nice of a place. This trip changed that because it really makes a difference when you are staying with a friend in their comfy apartment in a nice neighbourhood. It also helps when you're with people that actually know the area. When I've been there before I didn't know where I was or what to do.

First off, I love Marcie and Brad's apartment. They live in West Hollywood in an old place I'd say from the 40's or so. It's not fancy or anything but it's spacious and smells of wood and has great light and interesting detail. I felt very at home there.

Secondly, it was obviously fantastic to spend some time with my homegirl. And I'm so glad I got to spend some real time with Brad and get to know him. I knew I would like him but it's nice to not have to speculate about it anymore. And I don't just like him, I love that guy. He's top notch in my books. It's refreshing to meet someone that is my age and is doing what he wants to be doing. He's motivated and ambitious and it seems to me those are some rare qualities nowadays.

I didn't do anything crazy while I was there. We mostly just chilled out and watched movies and ate. I got to visit 3 different cemeteries where some people that I love very much are buried. We visited Jimmy Stewart, John Ritter and Mel Blanc. Me and Marcie were also lucky enough to see "Singin' in the Rain" play outdoors at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. It was a night I won't soon forget! The landscape of this cemetery was breathtaking. It was so interesting! And there were so many people there and everyone seemed so happy to be there. If you find yourself in Los Angeles I highly recommend you visit it.

Another highlight for me was visiting the Warner Bros. lot where Brad works. For some, visiting a place like this wouldn't be very interesting but I love movies more than a lot of things. I just like to see where some of the action takes place. After we had lunch with Brad, Marcie took me over to the store on the lot where they've got movies and tv for low prices. I got so excited looking over everything that I almost peed myself. I bought sooooo much stuff for cheap! I'll be busy all through fall and winter watching everything.

Well, I'm gonna wrap it up. Mostly because I'm sick of talking about it all. The last week and a half has been perfect and much needed! Onward ho!

Oh, I guess now that I'm back I have a wedding to plan!

10 years ago....

...I walked on to a giant boat in Wales with Mark. We lay down our sleeping bags on the floor in a corner under some stairs and huddled close for a decent night of sleep. I woke bright and early and immediately ran out onto the deck just in time to see the sun rise on the Irish Sea and Ireland waiting for me. I turned 20 that morning and what a way to do it.

Me and Mark had dinner that night in a dim restaurant with red walls to celebrate my birthday. We walked back to the hostel and into the courtyard where we straddled picnic benches while facing one another and we talked late into the night.

I can't believe that was 10 years ago... It was a really good day.

Insecurities can suck it.

You guys, I was sooooo meant for island living.

I went to Salt Spring Island this past weekend and it was damn near glorious. I've been visiting Salt Spring pretty much every year now for 11 or 12 years and it just feels like home to me. Of all the places I've been, it's the one place that I feel so much myself, so at ease, so at peace, so creative. I am the best me when I'm there.

So how does someone that is not independently wealthy, retired, or running their own business make a life there? I do not have the answer, but if you do, please tell me. I'd like to know. I need to know.

For the past while, Matthew and I have been dreaming of our life when we settle up near Ashcroft but what am I thinking? I may love it there but I couldn't possibly be separated from the ocean like that. I want to live somewhere where when the wind picks up I can smell the ocean everywhere I go. I want to open the windows of my house and have that wonderful smell sweep through.

After all my years of going there, I discovered a beautiful beach area that I didn't know existed! And it was quite quiet there. Not discovered by all the tourists. I actually WENT IN THE OCEAN!

Those of you that don't know me may not understand how wonderful going in the water is for me. I cannot swim and have a fear of water. I border on panic attacks when attempting to go into lakes or oceans so I just don't do it. I'm also allergic to the sun and don't normally spend my summer days lounging in it. I don't get to lay around feeling the warm sun on my skin the way the rest of you do. Appreciate that you can do this!

And to top off both of those things, I'm one of the most insecure people you could ever meet. I try to hide it and again, anyone that knows me well knows I'm fooling no one. The reason I bring up the insecurity thing is because even if I wasn't allergic to the sun and I could swim, I wouldn't put on a bathing suit even at gun point. I spend my summers suffering, covered head to toe all the while, looking upon all the thin, pretty girls in their two pieces with envy. Hell, not even two pieces, I'm envious of anyone that wears shorts!

Anyways, for whatever reason, as soon as I get to Salt Spring Island, my worries fall away and my insecurities fade. Why? I have no idea. But yesterday, not only did I lounge around in the sun on big beautiful, flat rocks (I had to re-apply a high SPF 3 times and I still burned) but I did so in bikini bottoms and a tank top. My thighs which normally make me cringe, were out there for the seagulls and people to see and I didn't care at all. And I went in the water. My anxiety level was high but I stuck it out and with time I was even swimming around a bit. Funny how not knowing how to swim, it can be so natural and easy once you relax a bit. And get this - when I got out of the water I went back to my rocks and even pulled off my tank top. I had a bra on. ME. I sat there with skin showing. Albeit, I was a little white fatty sitting there but I didn't care one little bit.

I've almost never felt that great.

Now that I'm back to the city, I'm covered head to toe and back to my old self but at least I had that one day to feel really happy and comfortable in my skin.

What a shame that at 30 I'm still dealing with this fucking bullshit.

Phatt.

This is the wee bit I wrote for the show last night:

I was just lying around clipping my toenails, watching the pieces fly this way and that, landing like hail all over the ugly red carpet. I thought I should vacuum it up before I let the cat back in. I wouldn't want her to get a piece of my sharp toenail embedded in her sweet little paw cushions. That could lead to an abscess. Well, that's something my Mom would say anyway.

I lay there for awhile, thinking about that, really mulling it over. To vacuum or not to vacuum? That is the question. Instead I decided to smoke some of the pot I had sitting on the top shelf of my bookcase in a dirty looking baggie with a yellow twist tie. I grabbed the pipe that was beside it and sauntered over to the kitchen window. I pulled up one of the hideous brown and orange coloured chairs, the ones I got out of my Grandma's garage, opened the window wide and had a seat. Man, was that some good smelling air. For some reason our apartment always smelled like a meat factory. It was a mystery that we just couldn’t solve, so we had stopped trying. It made any fresh air that wasn’t tinged with the scent of burning flesh kind of a big deal.

I opened my eyes. I didn't have much of a view being that I was looking right at the brick side of my neighbour's house. There was a small window smack in the middle of all the brick. It was dark in there save for the slight illumination of what I imagined to be a night light. I stared into that dark room, seeing nothing. I watched the big cloud of smoke curl up up and away as I exhaled. It occurred to me that someone could be in that room, staring right back at me and I wouldn't be able to see them.

I turned around and scanned the living room. Oh right. There were toenails to be vacuumed up. I'd rather think nice things though as I like to do when I'm stoned and by myself. So instead let me think of you and that time we spent sitting around the dinner table late one evening on that island we like so much. We sat there listening to him read to us from his journal about being horny and desperate and we all laughed and laughed. It is ok to laugh at someone horny, desperate and good looking, right? It was then that we took off down the steep path to the boat and climbed in, fast. It rocked back and forth and I was sure one of us was going to take a tumble into the cold, dark ocean. He sat in the middle and started to row while you and I on either end leaned back, hands in the water, leaving a trail of fairy dust and shining jellyfish in our wake. If we had sunk to the bottom of that sparkling ocean right then I wouldn't have minded at all. Ah, my dear friends, how I love you.

Back inside, he went and got into the bath and then sat there in the dark, looking up through the skylight, singing to himself quietly. Although the door was closed and I could no longer see him, I had a feeling he was fiddling with his nipple hair.

My hands were the only hands that ever washed the grime from his hair so I knew that it had been over six months and that he could use a good scrub. There was no way he was going to solve his problem without a little shampoo. I yelled out to him: "Why don't you try washing your hair while you're in there!" And then I grabbed you by the hand and we ran off laughing, out the front door, into the darkness and down the road.

I wondered if there was anyplace else in the world as black at night as here.

At the end of the road we turned right, down the little path that took us to the big cliff we all liked to visit during our lazy summer days. Now it was night though and we wondered what secrets were in store for us. We sat down right on the edge and looked out at the ocean and at all the glowing lights from stranger’s houses across the bay. It was windy and we huddled together to keep warm and as an excuse to be near the other. It wasn’t close enough. If I were able, I would have disappeared right inside you.

I heard the arbutus trees peeling, could you?

Dear Diary, it's me Amanda (circa 1994)

I had to pull out a bunch of old journals in the hopes of finding something in particular. Almost never a good idea! I got rid of most of my high school ones recently due to embarrassment and I burned all the ones containing any mention of Rick in a moment of hilarious theatrics just so I would never again in my life be reminded of such pain. HAHAHA! So I thought most of that stuff was long gone....

Anyways, so I'm flipping through the pages of one in particular from many years ago and I came across a letter I wrote but never gave telling my friend Mark that I loved him and wanted to be with him. My dead friend Mark. Way to harsh my fuckin' mellow.

And then in amongst this super old journal, from way before I ever met Rick is a fucking one pager from 2006. I was drunk and we had had a party and I was just freaking out a bit because we had been broken up for 3 months and things were sad and we both got stupid and drunk and ended up making out like crazy against the side of my house and Bernice walked by and we realized what we were doing and stopped. Never to kiss again.

I had completely forgotten about that letter to Mark and about my kissing adventures with an ex boyfriend. The only evidence left...

My heart kind of dropped into my stomach for a second when I read it but then I smiled because maybe all the bullshit really was worth it.

Now I have to try and go to sleep in a weird state of melancholy while I'm haunted by two ghosts.

Verbs.

Someone I know is teaching a writing course and wanted to show the class the power of the verb. He showed me what he will be presenting to them as proof and I think it's pretty great:

He noticed. He stared. She noticed. She smiled. He approached. She rebuffed. He offered. She accepted. He said, she said, he said, she said. They drank. They said. They drank. He touched. She laughed. They danced. He pressed. She kissed. They left. They did. He left. She slept.

He called. He called. He called. He begged. She refused. He called. He wrote. He visited. He called, called, called, called. She reported. He arrived, shouted, vowed, departed. He plotted. He waited. He visited. She gasped. He demanded. She refused. He grabbed. She screamed. He slapped. She ran, locked, called, waited. He panicked. He fled, hid, failed.

She accused. He denied. She described. He denied. She won, he lost. They aged. She wed, reproduced, parented, saddened, divorced. He bided, waited, hardened. Fought. Smoked. Plotted, planned. Escaped. Vanished.

They lived. She thrived, he faded. He wandered; she traveled. They encountered.

He sat, she sat, they ignored. He noticed. She noticed. He gaped. She jumped. She warned, he assured her. She reminded, he admitted. She threatened, he promised. She considered. She sat. She asked. He told. He asked. She told. He smoked. She smoked. He apologized. She cried. He explained. He begged. He pleaded. She considered, resolved, refused. He stood. He clenched. He perspired. He spat. She flinched, paled.

He stopped. He slumped. He collapsed. She stood. She pitied. She left.

They lived. They forgot. They died.

- J. Robert Lennon

New blog!

So I decided to start another blog. I'm still keeping this one and just because I've been neglecting this one doesn't mean I don't love you. I will most definitely be back to writing all my meaningless bullshit soon enough!

But in the meantime why don't you mosy on over to me and Matthew's new film/book blog? I'm excited about it. We both love watching movies and reading so much that we figured why not write about these things? Then maybe someone will pick up a book we talked about or a movie we watched and maybe they'll love it just as much!

You can find us here.

I hope you like it!

Freakshow

Well ladies and gents, the big night came and went last night. Ms. Britney Spears hit the stage at GM Place and I was there to witness it.

The Don and I started the evening out right over Mexican food and gossip. We headed downtown and I drove straight to Hastings because I knew I'd find parking there. As if any of the girly girls from the suburbs where going to risk their lives to park over there. Ha!

The outside of GM Place was bumpin'. Not in a good way. I know that my jeans, t-shirt, cardigan look does not make me an authority on fashion but just because I don't look it doesn't mean I don't know what's up because boy oh boy, do I!

I stuck out like a sore thumb... because I had pants on. And a jacket. When I say people weren't wearing pants, I don't mean they had on shorts or a skirt, I mean that I saw multiple people literally not wearing anything for bottoms except possibly underwear. I saw one girl that was wearing a white Britney Spears, 'Womanizer' hoodie and NO PANTS! Put your vaginas away ladies, it's not summer yet!

Every girl there was in some skanky excuse for an outfit and it was cold out. They were all suffering for "beauty". I'm not one to mock someone's looks. I am accepting almost always and being an insecure female I would never say anything harsh about someone's face or body. But. I couldn't help but notice the dog faces. Everyone was orange. I'm not kidding. It wasn't pretty.

When we got inside I popped into the bathroom. As I was washing my hands I saw a little girl come out of a stall to her waiting mother. She was wearing a 'Womanizer' shirt and her Mom says, "Oh, look at my little womanizer!" She said this in a baby voice. I wanted to walk over and slap that mother across the face.

The Pussycat Dolls were in the midst of their set at this point and I refused to go sit down because I would rather scratch my eyes out then have to see that shit (says the girl who was there to see BRITNEY SPEARS).

Once they finished we made our way to our awesome seats and waited. And then it began!

The opening included a bunch of cirque du soleil style stuff complete with a midget and crazy outfits. There was also a very scary video starring Perez Hilton as some sort of freaky queen. I'm sure it was scary to the children that were there because it kind of scared me.

It was quite exciting when Brit emerged. She looked amazing! I'm not an ass man but throughout the show I couldn't help but dream of sinking my teeth into hers. She has a phenomenal ass, really. I'm still thinking about it. The Don overheard one of the girls behind us say that Britney looked chubby. I should have grabbed her by the hair. My Britney is NOT chubby!

Shortly after the show started I noticed that my biggest pet peeve was happening all around me. What is it with people going to shows, be it on this grand scale or at the fucking Biltmore for a local band, and the non stop vanity shots? If you have a camera, aim it at the performer or even your friend occasionally. But I hate it when they're constantly taking pictures of themselves out in public! And the non stop text messaging! I know that if you were sitting in my section that you paid $300 for your ticket so why don't you put the cell phone and camera away and watch the friggin' show!

Now seems like a good time to mention that I did not pay $300 for a ticket. The Don did. Actually she paid $700 for both of our tickets because she's a crazy bitch like that. And I love her.

So everything is running smoothly and a song ends and they get sucked below the stage and then nothing else happens. It's dark and silent. After five minutes I think that something must be going on. Ten minutes passes. An announcer comes on to say that Ms. Spears and the dancers are finding it too smoky in here and that everyone needs to put out their cigarettes and if the room clears out the show will resume.

The crowd turned on her. Everyone was booing. The funny thing was that it didn't smell like smoke in there at all. I also didn't see anyone smoking. Smoky was the Neil Young concert, not this one. In fact the only smoke that seemed to have filled the room was the stuff coming from her smoke machines. Also, Britney smokes cigarettes so even if she got a faint whiff of one it shouldn't have affected her so greatly that the show couldn't go on.

I think something else must have been going on and that was just a cover. As more time went on and everyone got more pissed I was preparing for her to not come back out and a riot of half naked, orange girls to break out. I contemplated calling Matthew to tell him I love him in case I didn't make it out alive.

Finally though, the show resumed after almost thirty minutes.

At one point there was some sort of interlude where video played of Britney looking all sexy and in an orgy like situation set to Marilyn Manson's "Sweet Dreams". Uh... that was weird. Again I had thoughts of slapping all the mothers that brought their little girls to the show. I'm not gonna lie though, back in 1994 when I went to see Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson opened for them - I dug it. I got pretty into them. I used to get freaky to that shit just like Britney. I mean, minus the orgies, although I do recall the odd smooching threesome (no funny business!) in some weird settings with weird people... anyways, those were the days huh?

She came out for her encore dressed as a sexy cop which normally I would scoff at but damn, she looked good. She sang, I mean lip synced "Womanizer" and it was awesome. Then she thanked Vancouver and as she was making her way off stage she yelled, "Get home safe, don't smoke weed and rock out with your cocks out!"

Overall, minus the 30 minute lull, I was into it. I left satisfied. It was a feast for the eyes. Anyone that was disappointed was disappointed because she lip synced the entire thing and because her dancing isn't what it used to be. I however know and accept these things and wouldn't have expected anything else.

I love and support that crazy bitch.

A piece of advice for the heartbroken.

Listen, I have something to say. Actually I have a lot to say. I'm feeling really amped up about this and I need to get this off my chest and I want you all to listen to me. I have always been that friend that people come to for advice, especially love advice. I don't know why because I often probably tell it to them straight and it can hurt but that's just how I'm going to do it. Some of the same stuff comes up over and over but with different people. So I guess that means their problems are universal problems. This is for anyone who's ever had their heart broken, broke a heart, is currently heartbroken or is just plain romantically/emotionally retarded. And I know many people that fall into some of those categories.

When it comes to love why do we all make it so damn difficult? Currently I will exclude myself from this because I let go of all my bullshit when true love came knocking. After all my dating success and disaster I have learned a few things and I know it to be true that most of us fight love.

Why? Do you like to torture yourself? Do you like to have drama in your life when it doesn't need to exist?

If you meet someone and you like hanging out with them and your heart pitter patters when they are around then just go for it. Don't make excuses. Don't set rules. Just fucking do it. God forbid you allow yourself to be happy. Honestly, it seems to be the norm these days that no one is "ready" for a relationship. You can hang out with someone of the opposite sex for months. You can kiss them and sleep with them and cuddle and be lovey dovey and talk on the phone and hang out all the time but you'll be damned to call them your girlfriend or boyfriend. Like as if a title changes anything really! Why are we all so afraid to get somewhat committed? It's not marriage people! It's dating.

Secondly, if you're heart does not pitter patter when that person is around and you're just not feeling it then get out. Don't dick around, wasting time, playing mind games. That's cruel. We've all been guilty of this but it doesn't make it any nicer.

If things aren't smooth sailing for the first 3 months then GET THE FUCK OUT NOW! The first 3 months is your honeymoon period. That's the time that you overlook all faults and all you have time for is staring dreamily into their eyes, making out and thinking about them non stop when they are not around. Long term relationships do take some amount of effort even when it's right but in the first 3 months you shouldn't have to work at a goddamn thing. It's easy and it's magic.

Another thing. If you meet the right person by god you will know it. Every bone in your body will feel it. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about and if that's the case it's because you haven't met that person yet. I'm not saying that we all have one special soul mate but I am saying that there aren't a lot of people that you will have this bone tingling with. You may meet and even fall in love with many people that are good for that time but like I said, if "the one" exists you will know it when it happens in an instant.

Now, if it's early in one of these "relationships" or actually, even if it's later, and it just doesn't work out, so be it. If someone doesn't want to be with you that's ok. You can be an amazing person but that doesn't mean you're right for the person you have your heart set on. That doesn't make you any less amazing. The heart wants what it wants my friends and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. We've all had our heart broken and we've all broken some hearts. And you know what? We're all still here. That's life. Heartbreak sucks a big ol' dick but tough titties. It will probably happen to you again and guess what? You'll get over it then too.

Another problem I have is how everyone holds onto this pain and rejection. LET IT GO. I know a few people that I truly believe will be alone for the rest of their lives because they refuse to let go of the pain of their past. They are beautiful and intelligent and funny but that isn't going to help them. They are their own worst enemy and things have gotten to a point where they will probably never be able to turn it around because they refuse to let go of the past. LIVE IN THE NOW AND THE FUTURE ASSHOLES! The past is getting you nowhere!

Stop thinking so much.

I will tell you that I once was so devastated and heartbroken over someone that I wanted to die. I actually wanted to kill myself at times because the pain was so great. I couldn't imagine living in a world where I could not be with this person and in which he would not accept me. I'm embarrassed about that but I know that this is not an uncommon feeling. I felt like that for 2 YEARS. When I would see his face on the street my heart would feel like it was going to explode and my vision would go blurry and I would almost pass out. What the fuck, right? Well, my issue with him had always been, why can't he let go of the past, stop thinking so much, realize he's a wonderful person and worthy of love, and why can't he just relax and go with the flow? He couldn't. Not too mention that even though he wouldn't admit it, obviously he didn't love me and really want to be with me because like I said, when you meet the right person you know it and are far more likely to drop the bullshit.

So I was alone and depressed and hurt and I ended up becoming just like him. I thought too much. I didn't want to get committed to anyone ever again because there was a chance that I could get hurt again or that I could hurt someone. I retreated completely inside myself.

That was a lonely few years. But then I woke up and pulled my head out of my ass and recognized what bullshit this behaviour was and that I wasn't going to get anywhere in life or love if I continued living like that. It was an unacceptable way to live my life.

When your heart has been broken, it is ok to grieve. Do it. Embrace your emotions. Cry for a week. But don't you dare ever tell yourself that you are not worthy, that you are not wonderful. Because you are and if you fell in love or even just intense like once, it will happen again, you just can't imagine it right now. Time really does heal almost all wounds. One day you'll barely think twice about that person that once broke your heart. Maybe you'll just end up feeling sorry for them. Or maybe they'll be your best friend and you'll laugh about when you used to date. Who knows and who cares. In the grand scheme of things this person is just a gliche on the radar. Someone better for you will come along I guarantee it.

So remember this:

If you're dicking someone around, let them go.

If you're in a new relationship and it's not a fucking dream, get out.

If you're heart has been broken, wallow in it, complain to your friends, cry, but give yourself a time line and after that you're done. It's time to get over it and move on and embrace your fabulousness and get out there. DO NOT HOLD ON TO THAT PAIN. It is not worth it.

If you're in a long term relationship and you are falling out of love or it's become more effort than love, be honest and get out. You deserve happiness and staying in a stale, shitty relationship is not helping anybody.

If you do more fighting than loving why bother?

Go with the flow and stop thinking so damn much.

Amen.

The internet.

I wouldn't have this blog if I didn't work somewhere where 8 hours of the day I have a shit ton of time to kill. For that matter I probably would barely ever check my email or facebook if I didn't have this kind of job either.

Sometimes when I think about it, personal blogs, facebooks, myspace, etc. gross me out and I want nothing to do with any of it. And then I go to work and stare at a wall and realize I need something to occupy my time with.

So here I am. Reluctantly. I have no desire to continue this blog lately but I will not delete it because probably tomorrow or the next day I'll want to kill 10 minutes.

Looking for love, part 2

As soon as I made that last post I thought of more people that I simply had to tell you about.

Krista


Krista is the adorable one on the right with the glasses. I'd say in the grand scheme of things, Krista is someone that over the years I've always had on my mind in terms of finding someone special for. I can only shake my head in disbelief that she's single. You guys are all idiots! Seriously, snatch this girl up, she's a catch!

Andrew


That's my roomie Andrew. You've got to be good for this guy because since we live together it means I'll have to see you all the time so you better be extra rad. Andrew is almost a teacher. He also can write a mean pop song. He speaks French and likes ichiban. For Andrew I want a woman. Let's say, no one under 25. And I think you should be well on your way to getting over your younger party days. He needs someone he can spend rainy days with, watching movies in bed and eating good food and laughing.

Whitney


Whitney is a brand new friend for me but I knew instantly that she was special. So special that if I weren't dating someone I would be all over her. For realz, she would make me a lesbian.

Looking for love?

There's a chance that I might get in trouble with some of my friends for doing this but I'm going to do it anyways until I get yelled at.

Spring is almost here folks which means we should all be getting boy/girl crazy any time now. I'm here to help.

I'm going to show you a few people that I think you should love. If any of them strikes your fancy you can email me discreetly and I'll see what I can do.

Travis

Photo by Ryan Walter Wagner

Look at that face. That is the face of an angel my friends. So cute I just want to chew his nose off. I like to think of myself as Travis's mom and I want what's best for him. And you know what would be best for him? The love of a good woman.

Dave, Katie and John


See that guy on the far left? That's Dave. I was singing his praises on here the other day. He's a genius and he will make you laugh like no one else can. See that girl right beside him? That's Katie. She's lovely and sweet and a teacher so that's pretty cool, right? She's a tall drink of water fellas so no shorty's need apply. And then we have John. He will murder me for doing this probably and I don't think he'd ever let me set him up anyways so this might be pointless. He's a gem. He lives in the top right corner of my heart. To me, he is perfect and someday, the woman that snags him will be the luckiest gal on earth.

Todd


Now there's a warm fuzzy ladies. And he can cook! And he has an awesome dog named Dave.

Carmen

Photo by Jennifer Picard

That's Carmen. She just moved back to town and the girl's got talent. And she's funny. For Carmen, I want someone who has his shit in order. Someone that has ambition and is going places. No unemployed drunks.

Angela


Angela doesn't live here right now but she'll be home for the summer as of May 9th so this could only be a summer romance. After that she'll be back in a year and when she's back she'll be a librarian. That's pretty hot. She's likes to read books and she especially likes to eat delicious food.

Alright then people, let the romance begin!

Mystery Meat

This morning when I was leaving for work, I whispered to Matthew, "Good bye stringbean." I did this even though he was sleeping but he immediately opened his eyes and said, "Did you just call me mystery meat?"

I wish I had.

I really can't wait for this!

If you have not seen the original Grey Gardens, do yourself a favour and go rent it. Actually, just buy it, you won't regret it.

I really want to blog...

...but I have absolutely nothing to say. I wish I did because I'm bored out of my mind.

Today is my first real day back to work in a long time. I took that long weekend I told you about to go away with Matthew and then I came to work on Tuesday, got sick that night, tried to come back to work this past Monday morning but got sent home and now here I am.

It's proving to be quite difficult to get back into the swing of things. It's just so damn rainy and gross outside that all I want to do is go home to my bed and get comfortable and watch movies. You'd think I'd be pretty sick of doing that since it's all I did for a week but I never get sick of doing that sort of thing.

I seriously had the plague. I don't recall being that sick since I had mono when I was 14. I actually started to question if it's possible to get mono a second time because I was that sick. I could not get out of my bed for days.

I guess I needed a break from life.

On a complete different topic, I wish I could set people up for a living. I really love playing matchmaker even though I might actually be bad at it.

Of all the people I know though, I want to set Dave Honeyman up the most because I just cannot understand how women are not beating down his door. I am SERIOUS people. That guy is such a goddamn catch! I'd say the greatest catch in all of CANADA. Yup, that's right, Canada. I mean business.

It's not that I just can't understand why people aren't beating down his door, it's more like I don't want to live in a world that doesn't hold someone like him in a very high regard. Not only is he attractive, he is the smartest and funniest too. Smarter and funnier than anyone you've ever met or will meet in your life. And he's good at everything he does. He's also an asshole but he wears it so well.

And he's not the only catch. His brother is right up there with him. And so is John but I probably don't sell him as much because he once rejected me and possibly there is a small piece of my heart that simply cannot condone him being with anyone other than me even though I love my boyfriend madly. That's just the way it works ok, don't question it.

But if you really like him I guess I could try and be the better person and set you up with him even though he probably wouldn't let me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is if you want me to try and find love for you or your friends, let me know. I'm open for business.

Yes, I am seriously talking about her again!

You might be asking yourself if I will continue to mention Nora Ephron until the end of time. The answer to that my friends is yes. No doubt about it.

I just finished reading I Feel Bad About My Neck by the Great One and I feel fantastic. Truly. Couldn't be better. And after reading it I can also tell you that Nora and I are kindred spirits and she should be my very bestest friend EVER.

Although I may not know her personally, she's kind of my mentor. Along with Woody Allen she is my greatest inspiration and I think I just might get a picture of her to put up above my desk at home so everyday I can look to her wise face and be reminded of what I want to be doing with my life and to strive for her overall amazing-ness.

I can only hope that one day I can be as smart, personable and witty as her.

A.D.D.

Every time I open up the book I'm trying to read currently, a serious case of A.D.D. kicks in and I find myself thinking about absolutely everything under the sun except what's on the page. I'll think about the chip in my nail, the dirt on my shoe, the fact that I need a new pair of jeans, the last episode of Lost I watched. Hell, sometimes my eyes are running over the words and I'm not thinking about anything. I'm looking at the words yet my brain tells the book to SHUT UP, for the love of god and that it doesn't care what the shit happens to any one in it and then I just continue to stare blankly at the page.

You all know how much I love to read. I read a lot and I have almost never just stopped reading a book but I think I might put this sucker down.

I'm reading (er, trying to anyways) The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon. How can I not be interested?! One of his other books, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay is my favourite and I like the way he writes and I love Jews so how can this book not be doing it for me? I want to love it so badly!

Maybe it's just the wrong time for me and I should set it down and try it again some other day? I'm 150 pages in and I just have no interest in continuing. Unfortunately this was my pick for the book club I'm in and I'm going to show up to our meeting on Monday and everyone but me will have read it.

So instead of reading it on my lunch break today I opted for something different, possibly a bit fluffy. A couple of weeks ago I picked up a copy of Nora Ephron's I Feel Bad About My Neck. Well, let me tell you, it was a real laugh riot at my lunch table. It's all the more satisfying too since I was so FUCKING RELIEVED to not be reading that other piece of shit. I don't mean that. The book is far from a piece of shit, I'm sure. But I guess I'll never know since I ain't gonna read another goddamn page of it.

Plans, Plans, Plans!

Necessary steps are slowly being taken to make life grand. I can't wait!

Worry Wart.

I'm worried about a woman here at work. She's a sweet little lady that myself and the controller here work with closely and I'm concerned for her health.

I'd say I'm quite observant and since I've been here I have noticed that she seems to have intestinal problems. Then, just before Christmas, she ended up in the hospital because she was having bad stomach pains and she fainted.

The problem is that she doesn't speak English very well and she's very shy and sort or meek and naive. She's just such a sweetheart and I've worried all along that she isn't the type of person to speak up to a doctor to say, I know there is something wrong with my body!

After the hospital fiasco, I asked her what was being done about that and she said her doctor said it was probably nothing, just food poisoning. And she accepted that. I couldn't. She's been having stomach problems for a long time and then she has stomach pains so bad that she keeps fainting and the doctor tells her it's probably just food poisoning? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that food poisoning lasted for years.

Maybe I'm skeptical because I've watched a woman with stomach pain and weight loss be told the same thing, only to watch her die from ovarian cancer because her doctor wouldn't listen to her. Or because I watched a man with nose bleeds, excruciating migraines and partial leg paralysis be told that he's still growing and then I watched him die of brain cancer.

I'm sorry, but I don't trust most doctors. I also don't trust most people to stand up for themselves and say NO! Listen to me! I know my body and something is not right and you will run as many tests as it takes to find out what that problem is! I will not let you brush this off as nothing!

Eventually her doctor said he would send her for more tests with a specialist but there was a big waiting list and she would get a call in about 6 months and then from there an actual appointment would be scheduled.

Not to be debbie downer but if there's something seriously wrong then 6 months is too fucking far away! But my sweet little lady didn't pipe up, she just accepted that. In fact she doesn't seem concerned, She seems to think that if her doc isn't concerned then she shouldn't be. So me and my other co-worker are wondering if we're over-reacting or if she's being naive.

I started thinking that if only she had my doctor. He's so thorough it's actually somewhat shocking. I've seen a few doctors at my community health clinic and they're all the same. They never rush you out the door. They listen carefully, they ask a lot of questions and they are quick to send you for tests. Sometimes I think they're too cautious but y'know what, that's the way a doctor should be!

It's nearly impossible to find a doctor that's accepting new patients but I thought I'd try. I called my doctor's office and explained the situation and did some pleading and hotdamn, they took her!! Then soon after I made that call, before she could get into my doc, she ended up with more pain and had to go back to her doctor. He actually sent her for a blood test. The test came back and they said they were going to send her for a cat scan of her stomach and brain. That happened yesterday and today she sees my doctor for the first time.

My coworker spoke with her today and said something to the effect of, "So you'll tell Amanda's doctor about the cat scan and blood test and get your medical records sent over, right?" And she replied, "Oh, I should tell them about the cat scan?" Oh dear.

So now me and my coworker are kind of sitting in this position where we don't know what to do. She feels comfortable with us and isn't shy with us. We adore her and are very worried about her and we are especially worried that she isn't being assertive or giving all the information she should be at the doctor's office. It's kind of like - do we butt in here and literally go with her to the doctor so when she doesn't speak up, we can? That's not really appropriate.

When do you mind your own business? We both don't know.

At this point I guess it can be looked at, that since these problems have been going on long enough, if it's a serious illness then it's already too late anyways and there's nothing anyone can do most likely, and if it's not serious, it will eventually be discovered what the problem is and it will be dealt with.

I'm sending positive vibes her way and I will pray to someone or something that she's ok and I will try my very best to stop being such a pessimist, and to not let what I've seen in the past influence how I look at this situation now.

Until next year...

The day I've been waiting for all year has come and gone. Oscar day! WOOOOOO! Yesterday, I grabbed my completed Oscar ballot and headed to my sister's in North Van. The whole ceremony did me right people. I didn't find any of it boring. The time flew by! I don't think my sister and Fraser felt the same and anytime they tried to relieve their boredom by talking, I would shush them and shoot them a death glare.

First off, let's talk dresses. Overall it was a snooze fest. I know you were all shocked when Angelina Jolie showed up in a basic black dress. It's just not like her to wear something so lackluster. Obviously, I kid. I was really hoping she was going to switch things up a bit and wear some colour. No dice. Well, at least she wore green accessories!

Reese Witherspoon looked like a piece of shit. That's all I need to say about that.

Kate Winslet did nothing for me either. Her hair looked all weird and helmut-y and I thought her dress was super ugly. Other dresses I didn't care for were Beyonce's and Jessica Biel's.

The only person I saw and gasped at was Freida Pinto. What a beauty! And that blue dress! Wow. She was perfection.

Now, I know I shouldn't admit this. Even as I type this I'm feeling some regret but I can't help how I feel. I know that every fiber of my being should have rejected this but.... I LOVED MILEY CYRUS'S DRESS! I know, I know. It was gross. It looked like she was wearing diamond flower petals but somehow it totally worked for me.

And lastly, although she was wearing another weird sack like outfit, Tilda Swinton was a stunner. From the neck up anyways. I am mesmerized by her alien face.

As for the actual awards show, Hugh Jackman kinda made me barf a little bit in my mouth but that's fine. I liked the new look of the Oscars. And I absolutely loved how they presented the acting awards by having other actors up their paying homage to the nominees.

This is where I need to rub into those of you that took part in any Oscar pools that I got 20 out of 24. I regret the fact that I only took part in 1 because had I jumped into more I would have made a killing!

The first award handed out went to Penelope Cruz and oh how I cried through her acceptance speech. You're so right Penelope, Woody does write excellent roles for women!

When Kate Winslet won, I loved how good a job Anne Hathaway did of looking really, really excited for her.

When Dustin Lance Black gave his acceptance speech for winning Best Original Screenplay for Milk, I also sobbed. I don't know what it is with awards shows but I cry like a baby throughout them. And then Heath Ledger's stupid family had to be there to accept his award I weeped and weeped into my snotty, ratted up piece of tissue.

And then, before I knew it, it was all over!

I'm glad that Sean Penn did indeed take home the award even though I know most people expected Mickey Rourke too. He really deserved it. I'm sure it would have been entertaining though had Rourke won. Do yourself a favour if you haven't already seen this and look up Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech from the Indie Spirit Awards from Saturday night. It's genius.

My 2009 Academy Award predictions!

Something I discovered this year is that it’s much harder to do Oscar predictions when you’ve actually seen all of the films. Instead of just listening to the buzz and taking a random stab at it, you get caught up in how you feel.

This past year was a big year for film my friends, so without further adieu let’s get to it! This is my list – my hopefuls and my predictions.


Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, Doubt
Viola Davis, Doubt
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler
Taraji P. Henderson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

First off, I’d like to say, Taraji P. Henderson, seriously? I’m just going to take her right out of the equation.

Next, Marisa Tomei, I love you. You’re great, you have a bangin’ bod and you seem like you’d be fun to hang out with. I’m not disputing that she was good in The Wrestler but I don’t think a nomination was necessary. Then again, if Amy Adams is in the race, sure, why not? Marisa can have it because I’d take her over Adams any day. I just don’t like her. She does absolutely nothing for me and neither did the movie Doubt so I hope she doesn’t win.

For me it comes down to my girl, Penelope Cruz and the powerful Viola Davis. I thought Davis was amazing. She made such an impact and she was only on screen for a few minutes. That’s impressive. But Penelope, oh sweet Penelope, I want you to win, desperately. I thought she was explosive, passionate, funny and just an outright pleasure to watch in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Obviously. I think she has a good shot since she’s not up against Kate Winslet.


Supporting Actor
Josh Brolin, Milk
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

I want Heath Ledger to win and he will. That was easy. The fact that his life was cut short makes no difference here. Dead or alive he was perfect.

If he doesn’t win, then my next pick would be Michael Shannon. Again, this was someone that was only on screen for a few minutes but he stole the show.

Am I allowed to say meh when it comes to Philip Seymour Hoffman? I feel like I might get shot for that. But seriously, meh. I get it Philip, you’re good. But aren’t you kind of the same all of the time? Sorry everyone, I know it might hurt to hear me say that.


Best Actress
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, The Reader

Let’s pull out the big guns shall we? How about we make this a bit easier and pull Saint Ange out of this race? As an actress, she’s ok at best. Stick to bad action flicks honey.

Every part of me wants Anne Hathaway to win this. I went into Rachel Getting Married a non-Anne fan and came out with a completely new opinion of her as an actress. I thought she was outstanding and so was the movie. I am not fooling myself though. As much as I’d like her to be the upset here and win, Kate Winslet will most likely take this.

Listen, Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet are great actresses, this we all know. They should be given fancy things celebrating their skill and beauty all of the time. I just didn’t find anything exceptional in their roles over everything else they’ve done. And if Kate Winslet had to be nominated, then why was it for The Reader and not Revolutionary Road? I do think The Reader was a far superior film but her performance was better in Revolutionary Road. She deserves to win an Oscar one day, just not for this particular role. So C’mon Academy, give this award to Hathaway or Melissa Leo! Please!


Best Actor
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

This category also has some heavyweights. Another very tough call.

Richard Jenkins, I loved you in Flirting With Disaster and Six Feet Under and every other friggin’ bit part you’ve ever had. You’re likeable. Unfortunately, this isn’t your year so step aside.

Brad Pitt, dare I say that I think he’s underrated as an actor. He’s gold in my eyes. Sometimes I think his good looks are a curse for him and that they get in the way of anyone taking him seriously as an actor. However, this performance in this film, not so much. If he can’t win an Oscar for every other awesome part he’s had then he’d better not win for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

I have a hard time picking between the remaining three; Frank Langella, Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke. If I look hard at the performances then honestly, I’d pull Mickey out and it would come down to Langella and Penn. I loved Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. I just don’t think the performance was a huge stretch for him. I was watching Mickey Rourke as a lonely, aging wrestler whereas with Langella and Penn I was no longer looking at the actors I was watching Richard Nixon and Harvey Milk. They completely disappeared into their roles. But what do I know? And don’t get me wrong, if Rourke wins I won’t be mad. I will probably cry in fact. I love the underdog! I want him to have a glorious comeback career. I feel bad for him because he looks like he’s melting and he seems lonely and his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes where he thanked his dogs had me crying like a baby.

Now, just because I thought Langella was superior to Rourke, I don’t actually think he will win this category. It really will come down to Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn. I guess there’s always the small chance that Frank Langella could be the surprise dark horse (fingers crossed!), who knows? I thought he was mesmerizing. Isn’t he always though? What a dream! I want him to be in everything, forever.

My guy here is Sean Penn. HOW CAN HE NOT WIN?! He was perfect. I was incredibly moved by his performance. He is currently, probably, the greatest male actor we’ve got.


Best Director
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant, Milk
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

Honestly, I don’t even know who I want to win this category and I’m also not sure who will win although all signs seem to point to Danny Boyle.

David Fincher, I guess the Academy really loved your stupid movie since it was nominated for about 80 awards so I suppose you could sneak attack us with the win. I hope this does not happen.

It should come down to Gus Van Sant and Ron Howard if you actually look at quality. I have a real soft spot for Ron Howard (the man, not always necessarily the director). He’s adorable. I think he’s the bee’s knees so if he wins I’ll probably get giddy because I’ll get to see him up there lookin’ cute and being all Ron Howard-y on us. Plus I loved his movie and the performances in it. I don’t actually think he’s going to win though.

So Gus Van Sant it is! I will be happy either way if Howard or Van Sant wins but my money’s on Danny Boyle and I’m not happy about it. For shame Academy for snubbing Jonathan Demme!


Best Picture
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

I’ll admit it. I don’t get all the hype surrounding Slumdog Millionaire and apparently I’m the only one. It will win this category. Don’t get me wrong, I thought it was good. I thought it was an original film for your typical North American movie-goer to see but I certainly didn’t find it exceptional. In fact, dare I say, I found some of the visual aspects downright hokey. I am not anti – Boyle and I thought some of the performances were decent (I liked the kids more than anything) but I just don’t think this film deserves to win Best Picture.

I really only loved two of the five films nominated and I think it’s quite clear at this point that those two are Milk and Frost/Nixon. I am quite irritated that Rachel Getting Married was not nominated, yet The (fucking) Curious Case of Benjamin Button was. Gross. Hey Academy – pull your head out of your asses. If satisfactory films are getting into the Best Picture category then let me say, I’d rather that Vicky Cristina Barcelona made it into the running. Yeah, yeah, I’m biased, deal with it.

Rachel Getting Married was engaging. It had great dialogue and heart wrenching performances. I was uncomfortable throughout because it somehow seemed very real and awkward. And that’s how I like my films – real and dialogue driven. I don’t need fancy special effects or crazy story lines, just give me some good writing and some great fucking dialogue and I’m thrilled with life.


In the end, no one really knows who is going to win (except the Academy, duh) so I guess we’ll all just have to tune in Sunday, February 22nd to find out. I’ll be on my sister’s couch, drinking Coca-Cola, snacking on bad things and yelling at the TV.

The original JT.

I want to recommend a movie to you all. It's been a favourite of mine since I first saw it and I just re-watched it and it was as good as ever.

The movie is Blow Out directed by Brian De Palma, starring my man, John Travolta.



An understated JT plays Jack Terri an audio technician that records sound effects for movies.

He's currently working on some bad horror films and needs new wind, etc. so he goes out one night to get some new stuff. The scene where he's doing this is probably one of my favourite scenes in any movie ever. I just love the feel and look of it.

Anyways, so he's out there getting all sorts of stuff when he hears a car screeching around the corner. There's the sound of a tire blow out and the car careens off the road and into the creek below.

He runs down to the creek and dives in. There's a dead man in the car and a woman, Sally, trying to escape with her life. He manages to get the girl out and they end up in the hospital.

It turns out that the man that was in the car was the governor, and a possible presidential candidate. Soon JT begins to suspect that his "accident" wasn't really and accident.

So good you guys, go rent it. Especially you Adrian.

Speaking of John Travolta, he's the longest running crush I've ever had. People knock me all the time for it but I can't help it. My knees get weak for him still. I remember being so little, like six or so, and watching Grease and thinking he was the coolest person I had ever seen. I was mesmerized by him and it's something I still feel when I see him in anything. Even current stuff that sucks, I just like everything about him.

When I was in high school, I was downtown and I found a beautiful John Travolta calendar. Each month had a different vintage, dreamy JT and I kept that on my wall until I moved to Vancouver. After it expired, I would just alternate my favourite picture every few months. I even mentioned him in my yearbook grad quote.

Not only was he a total babe back in the day but he has such a nice demeanor. He seems like a truly genuine person and it makes me love him even more.

Some people like to try and squash my John Travolta love by mentioning two words: Battlefield Earth. Guess what? Not gonna work my friend. My love runs deep and Battlefield Earth isn't gonna change it!

Life freak-outs.

I've been freaking out a bit on the inside about life lately. More specifically my future and it's causing me to be mean to my boyfriend I think. Dammit! I think subconsciously I've been scared for awhile now and it's coming to the surface.

Like since when did I start freaking out that my time is running out to have babies? Seriously, what the fuck? I don't even want kids right now! This is so typical and cliche that I'm actually embarrassed about it. But I'm a woman, I love babies and I can make babies and I'm getting older so that damn clock is ticking whether I fucking like it or not! I want to throw this clock out the window and smash it on the pavement.

I guess why it's been on my mind so much is that I'm in love with someone five years younger than me. We see ourselves together in the future and we both want kids. So I guess that means we're making babies together at some point. SCARY! Anyways, the whole age thing is maybe what's getting to me. He plans on going back to school in the fall. He will be there for at least four years and on student loans the entire time.

This means I will be at least 34 when he gets out and we will be in great debt.

The above sentence is what scares me and is driving me bat shit crazy and is making me be mean to my boyfriend and push him away.

Bad Amanda. Stop being a freak! And stop sharing your inner most thoughts on the internet! And stop talking about yourself in third person because you're coming across even crazier now!

By the way, I'm sure this post is making it seem that I'm freaking out waaaaay more than I actually am and that I'm being waaaaaay meaner to my bf than I actually am. It's just been on my mind a bit, it's not taking over my life or anything and I'm not yelling at Matthew or punching him in the face or anything. I'm just telling him he can't live his dreams or whatever. Ha!

Sheesh.

He's Just Not That Into You.

Finally the day came that I got to see He's Just Not That Into You. You know me, so this shouldn't surprise you, right?

John, Dave, Katie and I all went yesterday afternoon and I loved every second of it. I definitely think that single people and those in a relationship will see it as two different movies. As a single person, you would find it depressing because it's true and someone like me found it funny because it was true.

Not only was it completely entertaining but everyone looked great too. I'm talking make-up, hair, wardrobe, everything.

And I didn't even totally hate ScarJo in this either. I know she's a total babe but I've just never been a fan of her acting skills. And then my boyfriend Woody had to go discovering her as his new muse and that just pissed me off because usually people with some decent acting chops are in his movies, not retards. Sorry, I shouldn't use that word. And being a bad actor doesn't make you disabled.

Like, take Matchpoint for instance. She was it's downfall for me. It was a good film but she, for me, was the one flaw in it. When I watched it I just kept thinking that anyone would have been better than her in it. Then came Scoop. I was not buying her as the neurotic Woody Allen character. It irritated me to no end that she was playing that part. But then Vicky Cristina Barcelona came out and I loved it and not even ScarJo could take away from it.

So maybe I'm warming up to her as an actor just a tiny bit. That doesn't mean I think she's good, it just means I must be getting used to her and feel like I'm just going to have to accept that she's in movies and isn't going anywhere.

It's weird how some really bad actors get by just because they're so good looking.

The bad actor talk seems like a good segue to Ben Affleck. I think I like him. I don't know if he's good or not but I used to like him, then I didn't and now I'm back in. Did you see Gone Baby Gone? Great movie and it had double Affleck! Directed by Ben, starring Casey. So that and the fact that he has the coolest, happiest baby and a low key life with his baby momma has me singing a different tune about him.

Are you asking yourself when this blog turned into a celebrity blog? Yeah, me too. I'd apologize if I didn't think it was AWESOME.

Why do I let stupid things bother me?

A couple of things...

Last night I made the most delicious burritos. When Kate was in town over the holidays she said I should try a mashed yam/black bean burrito so last night I whipped them up.

You should really try it because it was heavenly. Just chop up some yams, boil them, mash them with some butter, a bit of brown sugar and salt.

While your yams are boiling, chuck some garlic and onion in some oil, add black beans and cilantro. Mix the beans in with the mashed yams and throw some in a tortilla. Grate some cheese on it, add a bit of salsa and there you go!

Kate had said it's key to have some homemade guac on hand with it but I didn't have any avocados so next time I'll do that.

* * * * * * * * *

Something that someone said to me yesterday got me thinking about a period (a period I generally never think about anymore, thank god!)in my past that sucked. Like, it sucked a big fucking short, fat dick with genital warts and a side of herpes. And lucky for me, the worst of it lasted for a year. I'm not one to regret things in my past too much but this is one time where I honestly would erase it completely if that was possible. Such regrets, all around the board on that one.

Anyways, what's bothering me all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, something I never really thought too much about before, is what other people that were on the outside, people that don't even know me at all, think of me. There are some people or maybe just one or two, that have a perceived notion of what kind of a person I am, that is completely false.

I am a good person. I am very kind. I am generous. I am extremely loyal and supportive to those that treat me with respect and are good to me. I have a good sense of humour. I am incredibly easy going when it comes to most things, except cleanliness. I am compassionate.

I hate that because of choices I made when it comes to love, I ended up in a very dark, lonely, self loathing place for a very long time and that people I don't even know judge my character based on that time.

Haven't we all been there? It ain't pretty.

I mean, this was so bloody long ago. Why can't I be judged on my character now?!

I really shouldn't care what people think of me, especially people that aren't my friends or that I've barely spoken to. Right? Right.

Ok, fine, and I also know that we've all be guilty for just not liking someone based on nothing really. I have been guilty of this, very rarely, but in my 29 years this has happened like, 2 times or so. Sometimes you just want to spit in someone's fucking face for no real reason. So I guess if someone wants to spit in my face or whatever or just not like me, I just have to accept it. And if they want to without knowing me then that's not my problem. Because dare I say, most people that actually get to know me, do in fact like me.

I hearby vow to never, ever, ever again judge anyone that I do not know at all or especially, anyone going through heartache. A broken heart can make you a bit crazy. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Verbal diarrhea.

As a teenager and into my early twenties I didn't like to go anywhere by myself. The idea of going to a movie or out for a meal alone was mortifying and would simply not happen.

I don't know where the switch happened or why, but now, spending time alone and taking myself out is a necessity. I truly love spending a large portion of my time, completely alone. I relish meals where it's just me and my book. I look forward to loner walks. I love sitting in a movie theatre by myself and then leaving and being left alone with my reflections on it. I love coming home to an empty house, even if I love my roomies.

I find that the older I get the more alone time I crave. Sometimes I fear that the time will continue to increase until I have shut everyone out of my life completely and it will be just me, my cat and my books. A cliche, yes, but I can understand how it happens.

My interests have changed. I have absolutely no interest in going out to bars and going to parties. I have always been socially awkward and uncomfortable in large crowds and amongst drunk strangers. For me, it seems a waste of time and on the odd occasion that I partake in these activities I often regret it and wish I were at home reading or out at a movie with one of my closest friends or enjoying a nice meal somewhere.

I'm pushing 30 now. I'd like to blame age but I think I've just always been a socially awkward geek. I know, I know, it's hard to believe since I seem so smooth. Years ago when I went out more, it's because my group of close friends all did and we would spend our time together, but now we've all matured, some of us have grown apart, some have become domestic.

I didn't feel so awkward at parties, etc. when we were all together.

Now, even though I still consider many of those same people my dearest and most loved friends, it's hard to get us all together. It's just not the same as it once was and I suppose it never will be.

I've always been nostalgic and I've always had a hard time accepting change.

Where was I going with this post? I really have no idea actually. I'm just thinking "out loud".

Off topic, awhile back I picked up 3 books: City of Glass, Ghosts, and The Locked Room all by Paul Auster. Normally to buy these books they come as one entitled The New York Trilogy.

Well, I quickly read the first one, then I read the second one practically on my lunch break and I am now devouring the third one. I'm quite taken with this Paul Auster.

If there's one thing I could change about Matthew and I it would be that our taste in books, music and film were a little more in sync. I'm the kind of reader that will try almost anything if someone comes to me and says, "I loved this, I want you to read it." I know that if I don't like it I can just put it down. I'm very open and I'm not judgmental.

I occasionally read a book and then proceed to beg Matthew to read it. He just won't. At the beginning of our relationship I bought him two books, he has yet to read either of them. He simply refuses to read modern fiction. He feels that there are so many wonderful classics that why bother with anything new-ish (and by new-ish, I'd take a guess that he means most things after say, 1950-ish. Again, that's just a guess and I know there's the odd exception).

So somehow, I finally got him to read a book. Yesterday he started City of Glass. I assume it's because I told him I thought he would like it and could he please, please, please read it and that there was no excuse not to because it's so short that he could easily read it in a day.

He came home last night and said, "Boy, that Stillman character seems right out of Twin Peaks, eh?" And I excitedly said, "YES, oh you like it?!" And then he proceeded to say that while the story is alright so far, Auster isn't a great writer or anything.

My face fell. I thought I had him! Sometimes I think he's just saying things like that to rile me up and get a good discussion going. I feel defeated.

I guess what I feel the difference between me and Matthew when it comes to books and whatnot is that I can have an opinion on something and it's my opinion, it's not the be all end all. With him, for example, Auster is just not that great of a writer. Not in his opinion, but that's just a fact. Me telling him that he's known as a good writer, that he has a reputation, that he's won awards, etc. will do nothing to convince him that he is in fact a good writer. I guess what I want to happen in these situations is for him to say, "He's not really my bag of dicks" as opposed to, "He's not a good writer".

That's just an example. I didn't actually tell him all of those things in response to his not thinking he's a great writer, but it's how our conversations about these sorts of things typically go.

I suppose even if I could get him to read more books that I suggest it's probably not worth it because I will be disappointed when he comes back and tells me that he thought it sucked.

Ah well, maybe I should be satisfied that many people at my work and Marcie will take my suggestions and be open minded about things. I just really love sharing things that I love.

The story you have heard before.

I was talking with a girl named Jessica at work a few minutes ago and somehow we got onto the topic of people's dreams. Not the ones we have at night but our hopes and dreams and more specifically about dream jobs and how everyone's is so different.

Take in mind we work together so we don't really know details about one another's lives or what we're really like. So when she asked me what I'd love to do and I said, "I'd love to be a railroad engineer" she thought that was really funny. Like I'm the girl working away at her desk just dreaming of a life on the road, driving a train.

I guess it is kind of funny. I quickly told her that of course I'd rather be a successful writer.

Another job I've often thought of is to be a tugboat operator. What fun!

Oh dear, what am I going to do with my life?

I've been having big thoughts about fleeing this life. Not suicide, but starting over. I am trapped in the body of a responsible person and it's killing me!

I'll stop with the dramatics.

I've been thinking that I should sell out and write some sort of sleazy romance or detective novel.

Under an alias of course.

Jim Holyoak

I got something awesome in the mail yesterday. My friend Jim sent me a calender he made full of dark, creepy bats that he drew. Hot damn it looks good! Inside was a post card from my beloved Matt Shane.

I have some letters to write.

Go visit Jim's amazing art at Monsters For Real.

What a snooze.

Angelina Jolie's wardrobe is such a snooze. Am I right or am I right? As I may have mentioned before, due to the ol' office job, I have my degree in celebrity gossip so I see a lot of dear old Angie and if only, just once, she would wear something with, I don't know, colour?

I get that she's busy making sweet love to Brad Pitt and adopting the world and being a Goodwill Ambassador for the UN and making mostly bad action flicks and that maybe she just doesn't care that her wardrobe is drab. Or maybe she likes dressing like one of the Golden Girls.

Remember when she was all fake, loser bad ass; making out with her brother and wearing Billy Bob's blood around her neck? Who could forget? I haven't.

I have no problem with how she dresses in every day life when she's just doing her thing and living life but when you are the most beautiful gal around and you're doing the red carpet thing, take some chances! Live on the edge!

So let's just stop with this, alright honey:





And start with this:





Don't judge me for liking Carrie Underwood's orange dress. I know it's not something that you would think a person like me would like but I do. It's fucking brilliant and bright and sparkly and I want it. Or more importantly, I want Ang to borrow it and shock the shit out of me and the rest of the world by showing up somewhere in something worth looking at and either loving or hating instead of the forever meh.

That's right.

Hello acspanks!

Your Quit Date is: 1/4/2009 11:00:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free: 14 days, 20 hours, 17 minutes and 11 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 148
Lifetime Saved: 1 day, 3 hours
Money Saved: $75.00

Yup, still at it and it ain't no thang. So far, so good. Easy peasy! Except for the minor meltdown I had on Saturday in the underground parking lot of Save-On Foods.

Me and Matthew were grocery shopping and our bill was way too expensive in my opinion and for some reason I was enraged at how much it costs to fucking eat, even though I already knew that. And then we went down to the car and I put in the ticket at the pay station and we owed $1.50 so I tried putting in a toonie. It just kept coming out at the bottom. It wouldn't take my goddamn, motherfucking toonie! My rage grew.

I stomped off to Matthew who was loading groceries and hissed that I needed a toonie, pronto because mine wasn't working out. So I take his money and go back to the pay station. Only now when I put in the ticket it says we owe $4.50! I swear I almost kicked the shit out of the machine. I had a silent hissy fit even though what I really wanted to do was was scream at the top of my lungs and SMOKE A FUCKING CIGARETTE.

Smokers know this feeling. When you think you need one so bad that you will die if you don't get one and that if you can just have your sweet, sweet cigarette then everything will be perfect. Problems vanished. Right as rain.

Matthew can see that I'm about to explode and he pulls the car up to me and I get in and my eyes water and I start breathing funny and I realize that I either need to smoke, take an ativan or have a panic attack. He goes upstairs to get change and I sit there hyperventilating and crying. Yes, this is what a psycho looks like. I start digging around for some ativan because I am certain I am headed for full blown panic attack. No dice. It's at home. Smoking is not an option so I leaned back and tried to take some deep breaths.

Phewf! Crisis narrowly averted!

So that was the first time I felt truly put out by my quitting experience, it is not enough to make me smoke again though.

Suck it.

Please don't go girl... (to be sung in Joey McIntyre's pre-pubescent falsetto)

Amongst all the friends I've had in life there are two people that I consider to be my soul mates. I feel completely in tune with them, always understood and greatly supported. I think you often feel this way about someone when you are cut from the same cloth.

I am so lucky to have two friends that I share this with... Marcie and John.

I am sort of losing one in two weeks. Marcie is moving to Los Angeles. Of course I know I will never lose her, she will always be there for me. It's just going to be different and take some getting used to, to not have her in the same house as me or only five minutes away.

Oh, if only words could express my deep love for this wonderful woman. You should be so lucky to know her for she is the warmest, funniest person you could ever hope to meet. If she is your friend, she is fiercely loyal and supportive and she is always there to give you exactly what you need be it an ear, some good advice, a laugh, a hug, a cry, some popcorn with salt and pepper and a coca cola to wash it down with.

The two of us have shared a few homes together and those will always be my fondest memories not just of us but but of life!

I remember our first house. We still feel nauseous when nearing Fraser and E. 15th. Our disgusting suite with red carpet, a blind and crazy landlord, a wife beater downstairs, a prostitution ring next door and paper thin walls. We dubbed this place "The Meat Factory" since for some unexplained reason, Marcie's bedroom always smelled of meat.

When we first moved in I was not working and so like a good housewife, I would clean the house daily and have a dinner of steamed veggies and tofu ready for when she got home. We would then sit together over a lovely candlelit dinner.

This is also the home where Ferd found us and through his persistence, he found a new Mommy (me) and Daddy (Marcie).

If I were to sit here and write about every great memory I have with her I would probably complete my first novel.

Although I'm terribly sad to have her go I'm also so happy for her. This is a new, long awaited beginning for her, one that she so deserves. Her spark is back and her creativity is flowing and I know that this move will bring her great success, happiness and love. She is coming into her own and it's a beautiful thing to see.

Marcie, my dear, I love you more than life and I know that no matter where you go in this world, you'll always be there for me and even though you may not be five minutes away I have your stunning face in my mind and all of your love in my heart.

Quitter.

Hello acspanks!

Your Quit Date is: Sunday, January 04, 2009 at 11:00:00 PM
Test Time Smoke-Free: 8 days, 6 hours, 15 minutes and 35 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 83
Lifetime Saved: 15 hours
Money Saved: $45.00

Love You To Infinity

I was so bloody hot. I mean, I was sweating. I'm not normally a sweaty person but right then I could actually feel the sweat beading on the sides of my nose and across my cheeks. What gives, I thought. It's snowing outside! Maybe I was getting sick? Nope, other than the sweat I was feeling right as rain.

I took off my pants and changed into a bikini top. I was in the privacy of my own home, my own room in fact so even though it was exceptionally cold outside, I was inside. So really, I could do whatever I wanted. I'm my own woman you know.

"Hey shithead." I called out to my boyfriend. I threw a small stuffed armadillo I call Chuck at his head while I said this. I don't know why I was talking so loudly. I was practically yelling if you want to know the truth. He was only about two feet away from me. He was lying on the bed in long underwear. Not just the pants either. He had on a thermal top too, and big wool socks.

"Aren't you hot? I'm so hot. I'm really dripping over here." I said as I wiped some dew from between my boobs. God. I wondered if this was what it was like to be one of those sweaty people. Some people are just like that you know. They profusely sweat all the time. I wonder if that's a disease? Does it have a name? I think I knew a friend of a friend that had that, whatever it's called. Mostly it seems to be fat people that are sweaters though and I am not fat yet so I should be dry.

Carl said nothing. He just stared at me. He had a funny look on his face. Not bad funny. Good funny. He was thinking: She's cute, I like her. He didn't say this out loud and I can't read minds but I could just tell.

I stood there running a finger over a small scab on my left forearm. I didn't pick it even though I kind of wanted to. I'm not a picker but I can tell you that I come from a long line of pickers. I take after my Mom though and she's definitely not a picker. In fact, she takes a hard stance against it. Thinks it's disgusting and she's right I guess.

When I think of my Grandpa, my Dad's Dad, I think of scabs. He always had 'em. He worked on trucks so he was always getting banged up. On top of that, he was a picker so his scabs never really went away. Come to think of it, my Dad's pretty much the same way. I wonder if when he's long gone, if that's what will pop into my head when I think of him. Scabs. I hope not because my Dad's pretty cool. I think he's full of many wonderful qualities that I should hope would outshine his life as a picker.

My bed looked really comfortable. I like being comfortable so I thought I'd lay down for a bit. I dove in beside my sweetheart and turned on my side so that I could stare at him. Sometimes I think I have a bit of a staring problem. It doesn't really bother me but it seems to bother other people. Carl doesn't mind though. It's one of the reasons we get along so well.

He put down his book and rolled over to face me. I wished there was someone hovering above us that they could take our picture. It is very rare that I want my picture taken but this seemed like the right time. Carl in his long undies and me in my bikini, in love.

Carl leaned forward and stuck out his top lip and then rubbed it on my face. He looked like an idiot. "What are you doing? You look like a real idiot." I said. He kept doing it. It was like he was trying to kiss me all over my face but only with his top lip. I tried pinching his nipples to make him stop. Carl doesn't like anyone going near his nipples. Says it makes him feel cheap.

"Seriously, what are you doing? Are you trying to be a character from The Simpsons?" "No," he said, smiling, "I'm kissing you with my top lip." "Why?" I asked. "It means L.Y.T.I." He said. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Love you to infinity." He said, genuinely. "YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP!" I shouted at him. "No, no, I'm not," he protested, "it's LOL, you know, LOL." He pronounced the word. Lall. "What do you mean it's LOL?" "It's an emoticon." He said. He had his serious face on. It appeared he meant business. I started laughing.

You should know that I love emoticons. They are so funny to me. Sometimes I’d even go as far as to say that I think they’re genius. I especially like the one that wears shades and the other guy that goes from staring blankly to crying his head off.

"There's an emoticon that looks like this." He said, while extending his top lip again, presumably to give me another "kiss". I put my hand up to block his face from getting any closer. "You look a bit handicapped." I told him. "But it means love you to infinity! I love you to infinity!" He whined, such desperation in his voice. I wish you could have seen this. I mean, really, I've never seen anyone look so stupid before. I continued laughing at him.

My laughter might appear to be doubt but I've gotta tell you, he had me convinced by now that there really was this so called L.Y.T.I. emoticon. I was even getting excited. I decided that I needed to see it with my own two eyes, not just his impersonation of it.

"You have to show it to me Carl! Turn on your computer! C'mon!" I yelled, giddy.

He looked at me very seriously, cupping my face with his hands and said that he couldn't. "Why?" I asked, "I just want to see it. What's the big deal? You can't tell me about something this awesome and then not show me. That's mean! You know I love emoticons!"

"Yes, I know you do lover," he said, "but I made it up."

A wave of incredible disappointment washed over me, but I felt a small bit of pride as well. I couldn't help but think that my boyfriend was just a little bit cleverer than yours.

Take a look at my girlfriend.

Every year on Christmas, after we've opened presents and had breakfast I get in my car and drive into Brookswood to visit Mark at the cemetary. This year, with so much snow, my Dad picked me up in Vancouver yesterday so this morning he said he would drive me out there.

Luckily the road inside the cemetary was drivable. As I looked around it was very clear that not many people had made the same trip out. The ground was covered in almost 2 feet of untouched snow. You couldn't see any of the graves.

Me and my Dad had brought a shovel just in case and when we got out of the car I felt a bit defeated. Even though I've been there many times and know where his grave is, when everything is covered in snow it makes it a bit tricky. I walked with my Dad to the right area and said "OK, he's somewhere around here." My Dad walked to a specific spot and started kicking snow away. Right underneath that very spot was Mark's headstone! My Dad has never been there before and he somehow managed to find the exact spot!

We cleared all the snow away and I brushed the snow off his little Christmas tree and flowers. I layed the things I brought down and stood there for a few minutes. When I walked back to the car, my Dad started it up and at that very moment Supertramp came on the radio. Supertramp was one of Mark's favourite bands and we used to listen to them together!

Ok, so maybe these things don't mean anything to anyone else but for me on this Christmas Day, it makes me feel like he's right here, sending me little signs.

Merry Christmas everyone!

"One should never underestimate the power of books."

I enjoy reading, this I'm sure is of no surprise to you. My favourite thing in the world is to stumble across a book that I simply cannot put down. A book, that I never want to end. A book, that when in fact it does end, leaves me buzzing and unable to sleep because I'm so happy to have been able to read it.

The books that leave me feeling this way are rarely masterpieces of great literature. Their authors are usually wonderful writers, the stories entertaining and well told. I always get the impression that the author is intelligent, down to earth and witty.

The book I finished last night was The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster.



I'm sad that it's over but I urge you to go pick it up if you are looking for a fun and thrilling escape over the holidays.

300th post!

This is my 300th post! Not that you see all 300 of these posts as I'm prone to going back and removing things, but I have them all saved and my eyes can see them all.

I've been having very strange dreams lately. In the last 3 nights my sister Jessica has been in each one and on 2 nights, she died in them. They are greatly upsetting me.

I've never been one to have nightmares, maybe once a year or so. They really affect me and I don't understand how anyone can get through life that has them on a regular basis. Marcie has night terrors practically every night! My poor girl!

The first nightmare I had was 3 mights ago. I'll keep these all as brief as possible. My sister and Fraser were going to get married. I was helping her with all the details when I found out she was sick and she would die soon. I don't know that it was ever mentioned in the dream but I am left with a feeling that it was cancer. I felt such despair in the dream. I was frantic to save her. I felt like I was suffocating and the pain was so much to bare that I felt like I could not go on without her. I recall that for some reason we were in an RV and I told her I would save her and I begged god to please, please spare my sister and help me find a cure to save her. I remember us ending up near a beach and then I woke up. I felt out of sorts all that day.

The next night wasn't a nightmare, it was actually really funny. Me and Jessica were hanging out in the living room of the house we grew up in, in Langley. It was so sunny out and I was laying on the carpet and she was sitting in a chair. Tracy (cute, tall, skinny, short hair Tracy) walked in. It seemed very natural for her to be there which is kind of strange because I actually don't know her well.

I was rolling around on the carpet while my sister was telling us a story. I started singing that song "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes, quietly under my breath. Tracy caught on and joined me. Our singing got louder and louder and we were really enjoying ourselves. I realized that I couldn't carry on because I didn't know all the words but Tracy just kept going and going, really confidant in herself. She finished and my sister looked at us both with great disgust. Then she turned to me and told me I looked fat in the pants I was wearing. I woke up.

I found that dream very amusing. I kept laughing every time I thought about it and Matthew told me I was talking in my sleep a lot but that he couldn't make out what I was saying.

So last night was the worst. Me and my sister were in India and I don't know what was happening but there was an overwhelming sense of danger. Almost a feeling of being chased or trying to escape something. There was a narrow river of sorts and we were having to walk on these strange log like things to get down it and away from whatever it was were were trying to escape. I watched in horror as my sister slipped and I stood there and watched her drown, just under the surface. I could see her clearly. There was nothing I could do because I can't swim at all. She was wearing a red shirt and her eyes were open. Again, much like the first nightmare, I felt extreme despair. I climbed over to the wood she had been standing on and I bent over and grabbed her limp hand and then as I made my way farther away I kept her hand in mine and dragged her body with me so it wouldn't be left behind. Then I woke up.

I gotta say, that one really harshed my mellow. I keep having flashes of it. Thinking about it almost makes me cry. And now that it's the second dream I've had in which my sister is near death or dies, I'm feeling very paranoid. MY JESSICA MUST LAST FOREVER! Or at least as long as I do because I would die without her. I think I need to chain her up in my house and not let her go anywhere for awhile. She can bring Snuggles. It will be fun.

Anger management.

I've not been in the mood to blog. I've been in the mood to socialize and think about all sorts of things and to be cold. The only reason I'm even here right now is because I found out a few pieces of information about a woman I love today. Not one of you will care about this. Ok, maybe John will find it interesting, but probably not even him.

First off, I love her:



You know who that is bitches? That's Nora Ephron. I kind of want to be her one day, and by one day I mean like, now. Today.

Anyways, what I read today is that she is currently married to (since 1987) Nicholas Pileggi. He's the guy that wrote the book Wiseguy and then he adapted his own book into the screenplay for Goodfellas. He also wrote the book Casino along with the screenplay.

See, I'm not very interesting. That's the kind of thing that gets me excited. It's sad really.

If you're actually still reading this post than may I tell you that I also discovered that she was once married to Carl Bernstein. That's the guy that was all wrapped up in the Watergate scandal. Nora Ephron knew who Deep Throat was all along and told anyone that asked her. Carl was also a bit of douche bag in that when Nora was pregnant with their second son, she found out he was having an affair.

So if you are nearly as interesting as I am, feel free to look into these life altering pieces of information yourself for more details.

I was going to end things right there but why bother? I'm already here right?

I had a super annoying weekend. I went out to my Mom & Dad's. I was supposed to pick up my sister's car but that didn't happen. My Dad had me drive up to his friend George's which is where I was going to ditch my car. So I drive out there (near the Aldergrove/United States border) and wait for him. He shows up and decides then to tell me that he just doesn't know if he wants to pass Jess's car onto me because it's a piece of shit as well. I know this already but at least it's a dry piece of shit.

I'm visibly irritated. I just drove way the hell out of my way, sat and waited, was looking forward to being dry and then he tells me no, not gonna happen. This is information I could have used earlier.

So I say good bye and tell him I'll see him later. I arrive at my folks' house and my Mom informs me that my Dad is just going to buy me a car. Nothing special, something cheap but dry that will run properly. I think they feel sorry for me or something since I've been pretty broke for the last 6 months or so. And in their eyes I'm just poor.

I tell my Mom that there is no way in hell he's buying me a car. The one I have sucks but it runs and I'm not letting him spend any money on a car for me just because he feels bad. It's a waste of money and if I can't afford to buy a new one, then tough titties for me. It's not a big deal.

My Mother loves to fight. So she proceeds to tell me that, yes he would be buying me one and I would take it and that was that. Like a 5 year old I told her she couldn't make me. That there was no way they could force me to go and cancel my insurance or transfer it to another car so really, it was my decision and I was not going to take a goddamn car!

Finally I just stopped the conversation. Once my Dad gets home it's the same thing. He insists he's going to buy me a really cheap car and I'm going to let him because he's helped my sister out a lot lately so I should just take it. I ignore him. Me and my Mom decorate a Christmas tree and watch The Grinch That Stole Christmas and a movie.

The next day my Dad drags me out. We go to Chapters so I can pick up a book for my Gran and then he drives us out to Abbotsford to look at a car. Tricky bugger. No dice. We go out to lunch and he sits there looking at cars in the buy & sell.

Eventually we make it back home. It's cold. He tells me he's going to fix my blinker and warm my car up for me. A few minutes later he comes inside and he seems flustered. What's the matter says I. Turns out my motor is frozen. See, my car leaks water. Can't keep the shit in so basically every time I drive it I have to add water. Well. Since I know nothing about cars apparently, I didn't realize that this was flushing out all the anti-freeze and that now that it was colder I couldn't just use water. Granted, it really hasn't been cold here until a few days ago so it hasn't been a problem until now.

My car is running at this moment. My Dad has some small hope that running it will warm up the motor and that this might help defrost my frozen car if we're lucky. We hear bad squealing. He runs and shuts my car off. He says it's the belts slipping since the motor is frozen. I start laughing. I mean, this is funny. I hate this fuckin' car and it just seems so fitting that it's now frozen and can't be driven. He doesn't find it as funny as I do. I ask what the solution is and he says warmer weather. This is not coming in the near future.

He tells me I'm just going to have to take my Mom's car. Now my Mom is standing there and she starts screaming that she has a dentist appointment on Tuesday morning and that my Dad will have to come home from work to drive her to it. My Dad says he can't do that as he's in all day meetings for 4 days this week. She starts screaming louder that she doesn't give a fuck if he has meetings he can miss part of one. Um. Me and my Dad just look at each other. He's the boss. These are important meetings. He can't just leave to drive his wife to a dentist appointment. So now she's even madder and she's screaming about how he just thinks he's soooooo important and there's no way he can't miss part of a meeting. I just stood there in disbelief. My Mom is the only person that can get me to yell. I never yell with anyone but her. Maybe it's because she's always screaming so I have to yell if I want to be heard. So she's yelling at my Dad, my Dad is yelling back at her telling her he can't miss his meeting and I'm yelling telling my Mom she's being ridiculous. My Dad asks her if she can take a cab. That sets her off even more. My Mom's a bit of a hermit. I couldn't imagine her in a million years getting into a cab.

I tell my Dad if he could give me a lift home that would be fine. He says he'll give me $100 so I can take cabs this week. I tell him, that's silly. I live so close to work and I don't need to take a cab anywhere. Now my Mom starts yelling that I can't be out walking around in this cold! I've been walking around in this cold for years, it's not a big deal. People in the city actually walk places, no matter what the weather is, it's only people in the suburbs that drive absolutely everywhere.

Then she shuts up and walks over and holds out her car keys and tells me to take her car. I just listened to her scream at my Dad for I don't know how long about how she needed her car and there's no way she was taking a cab and she expects me to take her car now? I said no, grabbed my things and told my Dad I'd meet him out at his truck. Now she's yelling at him that I'd better take the car while madly waving the keys. I'm standing out at the truck near tears and my Dad is just standing there not knowing what to do.

My Dad walks over to me and says, "Please Amanda, take the car, I'll be in less trouble if you take the car. If you don't take it, I will never hear the end of it." I know this is true as soon as I think about it. She still brings up stuff with him that happened 35 years ago and when she does, she acts like it happened yesterday.

I take the car keys. I go home.

I have decided that it is in mine as well as my Dad's best interest to just let him buy me a car.

NO! I refuse to accept this!

Lindsay called me last night to say that she had been in Happy Bats that day and there was a post it note that said it was Cory's last day.

Sweet baby jesus. This can't be true.

Ok, so maybe this is my second post in a row about random crushes but Cory is not only awesome but a SERIOUSLY HOT BABE. What will me, Lindsay and Duffy do without him? He will no longer be there to make our hearts pitter patter!

Honestly, I think Duffy is going to be more devastated about this than anyone.

It wasn't just his good looks people, we liked him for his personality too! I wanted him to lean over the counter and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

Ok ok, I guess I'll have to accept this. We don't know why he's leaving and I suppose maybe we never will... but Happy Bats is still the best place to rent movies and everyone else that works there is just as great.

I guess since I have a boyfriend that I love madly, I should stop yammering on about crushes, huh? Hmmm. I can't make any promises.

In other nonsense, I'm officially getting old. I think I had heartburn last night.

I guess it was my fault for eating pizza with roasted garlic on it at 9pm and washing it down with a coke and brownies. I probably shouldn't admit that I ate something like that but it was good so I can't be ashamed.

Because Matthew is a young sprite it didn't affect him, but I woke up suddenly and sat upright. He was still awake and I looked at him and then ran downstairs. I totally thought I was going to throw up. There was a strange burning sensation in my chest and throat. Curious. What is this strange unfamiliar feeling? I thought to myself.

It didn't take long before I realized that I'm becoming my mother and that it must be heartburn. In addition to Cory leaving Happy Bats, I also refuse to accept this!

I took some Pepto, had some water and then lay in bed mourning the loss of my youth.

Mr. Mayor

Listen, disregard whether you voted for him or not, whether you think he'll run this city properly and focus just for a second on his face:



Our new mayor, Gregor Robertson gives me a serious hard on.

I challenge you to find a better looking mayor in the whole world. Yeah right!

That is all, carry on.

Adrian Orange.

I finally got my chance to see Adrian Orange perform last night. I can safely say that I will never do that again.

I was introduced to his music through my boyfriend who absolutely loves him. It was right up my ally and I quickly became a fan as well.

We'd heard rumours that Adrian wasn't doing so hot lately so when Matthew heard he was coming to town he was so excited, thinking he must be back on track.

I cancelled my plans to go with Leila to the Commodore and on to the Jaws show afterwards so I could go catch what I assumed was going to be a phenomenal show.

Me, Matthew and Heidi went down to The Met and met up with Marla. It was quiet down there and I wondered where everyone else was. Slowly, more and more people showed up - for the dancing that usually happens there every Saturday night. Even though they were told there was a show and cover they all still came in. The crowd was weird and the vibe in there was even weirder.

Matthew pointed out to me who Adrian was and I was shocked. He was tall, lanky and he had baggy clothes, a blue baseball cap twisted slightly to the side and big orange running shoes. He reminded me of boys I went to high school with in 1994 that wore baggy pants that hung off their asses, listening to bad rap and trying to act tougher than they were. I kind of didn't even believe him when he pointed him out to me. I just never in a million years could picture his singing voice coming out of that mouth.

My curiosity grew. I was eagerly anticipating what he was going to do.

He didn't go on until after midnight. Those few of us that were there to see him were growing restless. Finally he appeared to be getting ready to start!

He plugged in a laptop. What? No instruments? Ok... I'm still with you buddy, I'm ready to see anything you wanna give me!

That's when the "beats" started. Now, I have no problem with this whatsoever. I like hip hop. I thought it was strange but again, I was being open minded. He was holding the mic up to his mouth and his lips were moving but you couldn't hear anything. I have to say that I have doubts that he was actually saying any real words. I kind of got the impression he was mumbling made up words on the spot.

He was just wandering back and forth sort of aimlessly. Then another dude got up there with him and sort of half danced around a bit and also mumbled inaudibly into the mic.

Everyone in the crowd was exchanging glances with a very clear, WTF? written all over their faces.

At this early point I think we were all still hoping this was a joke. Things got worse when a girl sitting behind them picked up a tambourine and starting hitting it with absolutely no rhythm whatsoever. Seriously, it's a tambourine. You listen to music I'm sure. You should have a smidge of rhythm but you don't, so put the tambourine down. It was distracting. Although on second thought, maybe that wasn't so bad since what we were watching was a train wreck.

Things just went from bad to worse. At one point the bar manager walked right up and turned the music down. Then the promoter and him got into a fight. What I caught of it was that the manager was wanting to shut it down because "this wasn't music" and he didn't like it. I think it was pretty clear that no one in the room was liking it. I'd say we even felt a bit insulted.

The promoter was freaking out. He got pretty aggro and I kept wondering if he might hit the bar manager. He just kept yelling, "Don't shut it down!"

Me and Matthew took this as our cue to step outside for a few minutes. Shortly after, Heidi and Marla came out and said it was done.

It left a sour taste in my mouth and I'm sure everyone else's as well.

Adrian is playing a house show tonight and I can only hope he doesn't pull a repeat of last night... not that I'll see since there's no way in hell I'd go. I think Matthew's going to go for it and see if things run a little smoother. He's seen him a few times before and says he's always been amazing. I guess that's why he's more willing to subject himself to another night.

I'll always have his records, I think I'll stick to those.

My girlfriend, Matthew.

Matthew is officially moved in! The last of his stuff was moved in yesterday. I came home from work and when I walked up the stairs to our room I can't tell you how shocked I was at the amount of stuff that was up there. When I say stuff I mostly mean clothes.

They were everywhere.

I started putting them away and this is what I wound up with:

- A large rolling rack, completely jammed full.
- 3 drawers of my dresser full of his clothes.
- 1 whole dresser, full

At this point, there was no more room for anymore clothes. But there was still a garbage bag full of them as well as a giant backpack full. Not to mention a big hamper and garbage bag full of shoes.

What the fuck does one person need that many clothes for? He has enough to open his own fucking store!

I can't decide if he's a "collector" or a "pack rat". He owns a lot of movies, cd's, records, books, clothes and shoes. The room is overflowing with his things, and really other than the clothes problem, I love all the other things.

But then he comes home and he has the balls to tell me that the one little shelf (on my bookshelf) that I use to place all of my lotions and perfumes is a waste of space and I should find somewhere else to put them. Hmmm. That little bugger! I know what he was really saying: I want more space for my stuff. Well, tough titties for now!

That put me off slightly. I had to fight my irritation and bite my tongue to keep from yelling, "EAT MY MUTHAFUCKIN' DICK!" and, "PS - GET RID OF HALF YOUR CLOTHES AND THEN WE'LL TALK!"

Somehow this parlayed into a few smooches and a serious discussion about Tom Cruise. Then he put me to bed with his little stuffed bunny that is wearing a shirt that says, Snuggle Bunny on the back.

I like that the worst that it gets still feels pretty good. I'm very happy that he's moved in for good now and I can't wait to get married and have his babies.

By the by, when I woke up this morning, he was all sleepy and bean-pole-y and adorable under the covers and he mumbled that he had downsized his clothes! Look at my sweet pea being all sweet and making me happy!

Louis C.K. and us.

Still my girl: Britney

In lieu of normal Sunday movie night, on November 30th I will be watching, Britney: For the Record.

I am very excited about this. As we can all see, Brit is back and I can't wait to watch her spill all the details of the train wreck that's been her life the last few years.

So if there are any Vancouverites out there that what to come over and watch this whilst drinking Coca-Cola, you're welcome to join us. Not sure who us is just yet, although I think Marcie was saying she really wanted to check it out and I can't imagine that CC and The Don will miss it.

I wish I wasn't so into celebrity gossip. Actually, do I? Nah. What else do I have to do 8 hours a day?

I LOVE BRITNEY!

GET OUT!

On my lunch break today I was piddling around trying to find something else to add to Johnny's birthday present. I popped into Pulp Fiction to look at books.

I did not find him anything, however I did stumble upon a big, beautiful hardcover called, "MGM: When the Lion Roars." WHOA! Some of you might know that I own the VHS collection of the same title. It's all about the rise, the reign and the fall of MGM under Louis B. Mayer and I've been obsessed with it since I was like 12 or so.

I had no idea there was a book! Even though it was used it was still $40 so I decided to hold off and see how much money I spend on birthday/Christmas presents this weekend and then hopefully I can go back and get it because I simply must have it!

I didn't leave empty handed though. I bought a book called "Movie Stars" for $10 and it is full of lovely black and white photos of all the old movie stars with writing in between.

Ooh, books!

Ok, fine, I'll do it.

Ella nominated me for a Kreativ blogger award. Thanks Ella. This means I'm to do the following:

1. link to the person who tagged you.
2. post the rules on your blog.
3. write six random things about yourself.
4. tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Ok. Six random things about myself? Don't you know everything already?

1. I have a blanket that I call Manky and I have had it since the day I was born. It is in fact two blankets, one pink and one white that my Mom sewed together so I wasn't always lugging around two separate blankets. We moved to Langley when I was four and I became completely attached to it and carried it everywhere. I sleep with my arms wrapped around it every single night still. I take it with me when I go away (except far-away trips where it could get lost). I have an extremely hard time sleeping without it. I bury my face in it all of the time and take big, deep whiffs and have been known to often shove it in other people's faces. I always felt that I would know I've met my match when it's someone that's ok with Manky and doesn't find it weird/disgusting. Matthew is the first boyfriend I've had that doesn't care at all and when I get up in the morning for work, and get out of bed, he rolls over and snuggles Manky. I have found the love of my life. Well, maybe he comes in second to Manky...

2. I often talk to myself in a British accent. Since I was small I've done this. I used to walk around my bedroom reciting things like Shakespeare and random poetry in the accent. I would do particularly emotional scenes while staring in the mirror and shedding a few tears.

3. As a youngster I wrote in my baby album, with the help of my Mom that my favourite foods were: lima beans, donuts and grapes.

4. Listening to The Band often makes me misty as it reminds me of when Sean used to live with me and on the weekends I'd wake up to him listening to them and making breakfast. But he's back so I can just go downstairs now!

5. My two most hated tastes are celery and rosemary.

6. I used to have to separate all of my food. If say dinner was: chicken, peas and potatoes, I would put them all in their own little piles, not touching one another. Then I would eat each one in it's entirety, never mixing. I would only have a drink once I was done everything. I thought that by mixing foods or drinking in between that it would cause me to throw up. This was elementary school, I got over it once high school hit.

I would nominate Carmen and Ella but they've already done this so I guess I won't. I nominate:

Wags, Mish, Cheryl, Lori, John, and Jake.

I know most of them won't do it but I nominated them anyway.

The Man of a Thousand Voices

As you know, yesterday sucked for me. I wasn't having any of it. After I backed into another car I sped off to John's house where he made me salad and we watched cartoons and ate cookies.

We started out watching old Popeye cartoons from the 30's and then moved onto some good old fashioned Looney Tunes.

Knowing what a geek I am, John showed me this documentary on Mel Blanc. I didn't know who he was, or at least I thought I didn't! He's the voice of almost all of the Looney Tunes characters; Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Tweety Bird, Foghorn Leghorn, Sylvester, Yosemite Sam, Pepe Le Pew, Wile E. Coyote, Tasmanian Devil, Speedy Gonzales, Woody Woodpecker and more! He was also the voice of Barney Rubble.

I enjoyed every minute of this documentary. There was nothing not to like about this guy! And just think of what joy he has brought to so many people over the years!

I think that there should be rules excluding certain people from death. Some people are just to wonderful to be taken from us for all for the joy they bring. Mel Blanc is one of these people. He should have been able to live forever. Just in case you're wondering, I also think Jimmy Stewart should be on this list.

The saddest part of the whole thing was this one picture that Warner Bros. released after he died:



I know, right?! Saddest thing you've seen in a long time, right?! Oh how I cried when they showed that. I tried to keep it together since I was with someone but the lump in my throat hurt like a mother.

When I got home I tried telling Andrew about it and started crying again.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful guy with me John.

I ordered his autobiography off the internet, titled, "That's Not All Folks!" I should have it in a couple of weeks. I'm very excited!

So. Stupid.

So... after work I left in a huff just glad the day was coming to an end. I get out to my car and there's some jack ass trying to parallel park in front of me. In her giant SUV. Into a small space. Road rage kicked in and I was muttering to myself about what a fucking moron she was. All the while she's practically hitting me. When it looked like she was actually going to hit me, I just went into a blind rage and threw my car into reverse and slammed on the gas thus propelling myself into the car directly behind me.

Yup. You read right. I basically, without a thought just rammed into the parked car behind me.

It really pisses me off when I'm mad at someone else's stupidity and then I go and top them.

I got out to check out the damage and luckily all I could see was maybe some slight denting on their license plate.

So I wrote a fucking nice kiss ass note and left it on their windshield and now my fingers are crossed that they don't give a fuck about a little dent on their license plate.

If they take issue with it I can't even be mad at anyone but myself because I'M THE FUCKING DOUCHEBAG THAT FLEW INTO BLIND RAGE AND THEN DROVE INTO THEIR CAR.

This is funny right? Like so stupid I can't be mad, I can only laugh?

Oh, and...

I forgot to mention that Louis C.K. on Friday night was AWESOME! I haven't laughed that hard in ages. Do yourself a favor and go rent his stand up special, "Shameless" if you haven't seen it.

After the show I was standing outside among tons of other people and I pulled out a smoke to light up (I'm such a loser) when someone tapped me and asked if he could bum one. I said sure and looked up and it was Louis C.K. No one had noticed him at this point and he asked me how I was or something and then before I could even respond he was swarmed.

Ah well.

I also saw Synecdoche, New York on Saturday night. I'm still thinking about it and forming an opinion. It was one of those movies where I enjoyed watching throughout and then when I walked out of the theatre I couldn't really discuss it because I had no opinion. Not yet. This sometimes happens to me. I will say that I found it quite funny despite the depressing nature of it. I found it clever. Oh you, Charlie Kaufman.

Me and John hung out on Sunday night and rented a bad movie starring Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette and Shirley Maclaine. Terrible, just terrible.

I just talked to my Mom and my Grandma is in the hospital. She's an old gal so it's never shocking when she ends up there but I would prefer her to be at home right now. I won't know anything until later on tonight. I shall think good thoughts and knock on wood 4 times for sweet little Pearl.

I want to feel good right now so instead of going home to hide in my room I just called John and told him we're hanging out. That should do the trick.

Odds & Sods

Finally, Synecdoche, New York opens in Vancouver tomorrow! I have been waiting for this movie for months and months!

Also, just in case you're in the dark, The Rio is doing their midnight movies on Friday nights. Last week I went and saw the gem, Rosemary's Baby.

It was great visiting the theatre. Everyone working that night was dressed up and excited. Those behind the concession were listening to loud music and dancing. The energy was good. And they serve beer! I don't drink but even I was impressed by this. I would imagine that if I did drink, there would be nothing better than being able to drink a cold one at midnight while watching a fantastic old film.

This Friday they are showing The Shining followed by Carnival of Souls.

I'm going to see Louis C.K. do stand up tomorrow night and am hoping to catch The Shining after.

By the way, Louis C.K. - I'm STOKED!

I don't have an excuse anymore..

I got Violet's laptop today. Boy oh boy have I been waiting for this day! Finally a computer to myself that I can write stories and poems and maybe even screenplays on!

I can't believe Violet was so kind as to just give it to me. I am forever grateful.

Now I guess this means I have absolutely no excuses to not write. Hmmm. Shit.

More hair nonsense.

Remember awhile back when I was fussing about what to do with my hair? Such exciting stuff, I know. Well, I never did anything with it because I was too indecisive/lazy/broke.

Then I noticed that my roots had gotten a little out of control. I was starting to tread on serious skid territory. I was kind of expecting someone at work to tell me to clean up my act since I already push the boundary of what is acceptable.

Today I did something I haven't done in 14 years... I bleached my own roots. As a teenager I did that sort of thing all of the time along with various other delightful things.

You see, as an adult I got used to the comforts of visiting my friends that worked in hair salons and having them do it for me. It was nice to know that there would be no fuck ups and that I'd leave with my hair all one colour. But salon visits are expensive my friends.

So tonight I bucked up and set to work. I was worried. It didn't seem to be going well. It was my own damn fault for letting my true colour get this long. Things were going well at first but then I had to do the back of my head and trying to see what I was doing proved difficult. I cursed under my breath the entire time, swearing that I would never do this again. Those of you that have had or have bleached hair know what it's like to have your hair all mush and matte together while bleaching it. It makes it really hard to get every spot.

When it started to feel as though my head might be bleeding I figured it was time to wash it out whether the colour was right or not.

WELL. Turns out I'm a natural. My old flair for hair is back! It looks great - no uneven colour and I haven't even toned it yet! I'm a genius - a hair genius! It only cost me $10 as opposed to $150-200.

Maybe I'll start cutting it myself too.

Curious...

Is it strange to love a human and an animal the same amount?

Take for instance my love for Matthew and my love for Ferdinand. Although I feel two very different kinds of love for them; my heart is filled with the same amount of love for them both. It's full to the brim.

I don't find this bizarre in any way as I was raised by a very compassionate, animal loving mother and we were always surrounded by pets. Our animals were never our possessions or inferior, they were our family and if they were hurt or sick we worried and cared for them just as we would for each other. If one of them died, our hearts broke just as if a family member passed away.

The other night, I'm not sure how it even came up, but somehow this notion of me loving my cat and my boyfriend differently but equally came up. This seemed to greatly upset Matthew to the point of I'd say, anger. We got into quite a heated debate about it.

It seems to me that he thinks that no human should ever love an animal as much or more than another human. He said that we are superior to animals because we can communicate and do things with one another.

Now it was my turn to become angry. My argument was, "Does that mean if you had a baby that until that child could speak and walk and do things with you that you would feel superior and love he/she less?"

He felt that was a stupid comparison, but is it? I don't think so at all. If his argument is that we're better than anything we can't have a conversation with and take part in activities together, then why would that not apply to small children, or say, the severely disabled?

Just sayin'.

I know that sometimes I can be more extreme when it comes to being an animal lover but I can only assume/hope that there are many other people that feel the same as I do.

Matthew didn't grow up with any pets. I think that would affect his opinion being that he has never known what it's like to have an animal as part of your family. He has never given a second thought to animal rights or anything in that regard whereas I grew up begging my father not to go hunting, protesting on behalf of animal rights and being a strict vegan for many years. I've even gone as far as jumping out of a moving vehicle in heavy traffic to protect a dog from being hit. I know that wasn't a smart move but that's how I react in those kinds of situations. My mind goes blank except for SAVE THAT ANIMAL!

In the end we had to agree to disagree. I don't understand him in that regard and he doesn't understand me.

That's a shame. If he were in my head he'd know that by loving him as much as my Ferdy that I couldn't possibly love him more. That's it, my heart is overflowing, no room for anymore love!

I should try and hold it together.

Aw geez. I've been a sniffling ball of tears since last night. Someone needs to grab a hold of me and slap me or something.

I can't articulate what I'm thinking. Something huge happened last night and I don't know that I've fully comprehended it. I am elated. I'm feeling so much joy that I don't know what to do with myself. I have hope! I think that's what's so exciting. Obama has instilled hope in millions of people who had little to none. He makes everything seem possible and today is a beautiful day for the world.

History!!!

I feel such a tremendous amount of joy to have been able to witness this day.

I like her.

I was just sitting here staring into space when Laura Dern popped into my head. I have to say that I think she is absolutely fantastic. It doesn't matter what role she's in, she always gives a stellar, solid performance.

I know that it is widely known that she's good, yet, I definitely think she's underrated . In my mind she should be appreciated and given roles and regarded the way people like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are. I don't know why I specifically chose those names but who cares, the point is: Laura Dern people, Laura Dern! The movie biz should be beating down her door to get her to take a part in their movies.

High hopes.

Last week I sent an email just saying hi and checking in to see how life was with Ron. Ron is president of a company I worked closely with at my old job. His business is in Long Island City. Exactly a year ago I went to New York on a business trip and while there I had a meeting with Ron. We got along well.

So this morning I dragged my ass in to work and I sat down to check my email. There was a response from him. He let me know that life is good, fall in New York is good, business is good and that if I ever want to move to New York they'd love to give me a job.

My insides exploded.

I mean, I know that realistically he was probably just saying that, although I have the experience and they all liked me but I am Canadian and I doubt that he'd actually hire me and pay me under the table or go through the necessary steps and $$ to hire me legally.

But still. Just for one moment I got to imagine that I could actually move to New York. And just for that moment I ignored the fact that I have a life here; a home, a job, friends, family, a cat and a lovely man friend.

Back to reality.

Update.

I had my doctor's appointment and gee, this is weird, but he doesn't suspect I have a tumour.

He had to listen to me ramble incessantly about my cinnamon theory, my eye strain theory and my panic of it being a tumour. He actually didn't scoff at me when I said, "I just worry, y'know, that what if there's like a grapefruit sized tumour growing in my head." All the while I was tapping my feet and fidgeting with my hands. Total sketchbag.

He said it's always good to come in when you get headaches because yes, you never know, there could be a tumour. However, it was unlikely that I had one. He asked me all sorts of questions and then he shone some bright light in my eyes and made me look at different things and follow his hands. He said he felt confident I didn't have a tumour because (insert medical jargon here that I already forgot). Anyways, I guess he would have seen something off at the back of my eyes or something if there was an indicator that there was something wrong with my brain.

He told me good detective work on the cinnamon theory and that he's never actually encountered anyone with a cinnamon allergy but it sounds like I should stay away from it. And yes, it looks like eye/back strain from the ol' office job. He suggested I get a proper lamp (check!) and something to provide better back support (check!) and to try to take breaks from staring at my screen to focus on something in the distance (check!) and that things should improve. He told me of an optometrist if I wanted to go get my eyes checked out and he said to come back if my headaches continue.

Well. There we have it. A couple of days in the life of a hypochondriac. Until next time folks.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Ok, so, you guys have had to read about my freak out on the brain tumour front for a couple of days now. I have had to endure thoughts of "the end" and imagining how I was going to have to eat a bottle of pills when I was told the news. Sometimes I think someone should throw me in a strait jacket.

Yesterday I decided to try a bunch of things to see if I could avoid a headache and maybe get to the bottom of this. I started my day by inhaling peppermint oil and rubbing it on my forehead. Once I arrived at work I rigged up some pretty fantastic lighting. I adjusted the height and brightness of my computer screen. I prepared my daily breakfast which is yogurt with fruit, only I decided to cut out the cinnamon I usually sprinkle all over it. I decided this because it was the only thing I had recently (in the last month) added to my diet that was out of the ordinary for me.

I then prepared myself some peppermint tea. I drank 2 big mugs of it in the morning along with 3 tall glasses of water. Every hour I took a break from my computer to give my eyes a rest. In the afternoon I had another cup of tea and drank a bunch more water.

Also in the afternoon I made my work give me money to go buy some obusforme thing for my chair to provide my lower back with some support. I spent my afternoon feeling like it was a new day! Never had my back felt so great while sitting at my goddamn desk!

I didn't get a single pain in my head yesterday.

I went home, washed everyone else's dishes and wiped up everyone else's mess so I could relax in a clean house. I was alone and it felt good. I watched a movie and knitted. I did a bunch of stretches for my back and neck. I went to bed at 11pm.

I woke up feeling refreshed. It's funny how grand life seems when you are in constant pain and then that pain is suddenly alleviated.

This morning I was thinking and I remembered something... this something makes me feel like a bit of an ass.

You know how I said I recently I had been dumping cinnamon on my breakfast? Well. If I think back, the headaches started when I started that. Yesterday I eliminated it and no headache. That's not all. I somehow managed to forget that when I was in elementary school, a big fad hit. This fad was cinnamon toothpicks. I sat with my friend at an assembly in the gym and chewed on these toothpicks for about an hour. I got a migraine headache. If you've ever had a real migraine headache than you know it's brutal hell. I hate it when someone has a bad headache and they're like, "Oh, wah, I have a migraine." Meanwhile they're outside functioning and talking to people. A real migraine would have you lying in a dark room cursing "god" and anyone else that came near you. You would be lying in the fetal position with a cold cloth wishing for the end. And then you would probably throw up.

So yeah, cinnamon. There was the toothpick incident. And then there's the fact I can't chew cinnamon gum for longer than 5 minutes without feeling off and same goes with cinnamon candy. I get tingly in my cheeks from cinnamon candy.

Ahem. Could it be that I have an allergy to cinnamon that's been causing headaches? I feel like such an idiot for not thinking of this sooner.

I'm still going to go to the doctor today because I don't doubt that eye strain is not helping the situation and I should probably see an eye doctor but I no longer think that I have a grapefruit sized tumour in my head. I just knocked on wood four times by the way.

Oh and PS, before I go I should mention that the movie, Starting Out in the Evening was wonderful. I liked it very much. Frank Langella was phenomenal. I did find that the Lili Taylor storyline seemed unnecessary to the story although it was well acted and could have possibly stood on it's own. But all in all it did what I like a movie to do; it made me feel complete and motivated to be creative.

He came dancing across the water.

I witnessed perfection last night.

Neil Young played at GM Place and it was wonderful, his cute jowls and wispy hair, blowing from the giant fans.

The crowd was large and every type of person you could imagine was there; elderly, high school kids, 6 year olds with their parents, other mid 20's - early 30's skids like me and my friends. I was on the floor and down there it seemed was mostly a younger crowd, all there, looking on in awe as Grampy Young lay it on us.

I was extremely pleased that he played one of my favourites, Cortez the Killer. And when he came out for his encore he did A Day in the Life by The Beatles. I almost cried.

Speaking of crying. With all the headache crap + my neurosis I've been incredibly stressed and thinking very bad thoughts. My inner dialogue is killing me. It won't shut up. You could only imagine what is going on in my head if you're a crazy bitch like me or if you've seen Hannah and her Sisters. Coincidentally, Woody's character ends up at the doctor with some symptoms that concern the doctor. He's sent for more tests. Because his doctor won't tell him what could be wrong he calls up another doctor and gives his symptoms and asks what they could be telling of. Of course the doc says the dreaded word: CANCER. What follows is voice over of Woody's pessimistic inner dialogue and I'm sure you can imagine if you've seen it how annoying those kinds of thoughts could be. Really fucking annoying and not helpfull whatsoever to my overall mental wellbeing.

I really frustrate myself sometimes.

Oh yeah, but there was a tie in with the whole Neil Young thing and the brutal thoughts. All yesterday I was worried. My head was hurting, I couldn't stop thinking the worst. Nothing would take my mind off it. Even during the concert I had a hard time focusing. But then, there were moments that were just so glorious that I couldn't think anything other than, "Everything is going to be just fine." When he pulled out the acoustic guitar and sang stuff like Old Man and the Needle and the Damage Done and everyone in the room was singing along... that kind of magical, happy energy did wonders for my anxiety - for at least a minute. It was fantastic.

I came home and got straight into bed. I woke up this morning from a dream where things were getting romantic between Rivers Cuomo and I. Weird but awesome.

I think I'll go rent a movie and curl up in my bed tonight and just relax. I like how I say that like it's something out of the ordinary. Ha! Not only do I newly have cable but fall is definitely here so all I want to do is be warm and comfortable and in front of a movie or a book. The greatest thing about cable is the Turner Classic Movie channel. Every week I scan through the TV Week and highlight the old movies I wast to watch and then I make a list with the days of the week listed and I pencil in what movies I should watch that day. Yes, I am a loser. If there was ever a question , it's safe to assume it's been answered.

Tonight though, I think I'll rent one. Quite awhile ago - at least a year or more, I saw a movie preview and I wanted to see the film. I don't believe it ever played here and with time I forgot about it. About a month ago I remembered that I wanted to see this movie. The trouble was though, that I couldn't remember what it was called. I also couldn't think of the lead actor's name even though I could see his face clearly. This was extremely annoying because I knew that I really had wanted to see it for some reason.

Well, fuck. I figured it out today by pure luck! I thought of Lily Allen today and then I decided I'd read up on her. So there I was reading her info on Wikipedia and it mentioned a movie called, Starting Out in the Evening with FRANK LANGELLA. I just knew that had to be it so I checked out the link and it was! Such sweet, sweet relief!

Anyways, I'm going to pick it up on the way home and watch it in bed with my cat and my knitting while my boyfriend is out playing Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe I should keep it to myself that he plays that? Ha!

The real me. Oh dear!

When I was little I was a severe hypochondriac. I also had OCD pretty bad and I'm not saying I'm completely normal now but I am much better.

I used to lay in bed at night, terrified that I was dying of whatever disease I had just heard about. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have horrible panic attacks where I would be shaking uncontrollably, breathing funny and sometimes crying.

The OCD came into play because what I would do is fixate on tapping certain things 4 times and if I did this, I would feel a little bit better. In my mind, tapping 4 times on my ring finger or whatever else I had zeroed in on, made me safe. If I didn't do it I would be convinced that I would in fact get that terrible disease or my Dad would get into a car accident, etc. etc.

My 2 biggest fears as a child were brain tumours and leukemia. My fear of both started from TV. My parents were watching an episode of Picket Fences and on it someone had a brain tumour and I remember seeing them perform brain surgery on him. I still have an irrational fear of brain tumours.

When I was older and out of high school, someone I knew named Dave was working one night and had a seizure. Turned out he had a brain tumour and he died from it some time later. Then not long later my dear friend Mark (who by the by, was the same age as Dave, lived in the same neigbourhood, they knew each other and had gone to the same high school) started complaining of migraines and bloody noses. Being that I was over sensitive to brain tumours, I immediately freaked out and assumed he had one. After seeing 2 stupid doctors who gave him bullshit lines like, "Oh, you're probably still growing" and "Maybe switch to a more vegetarian diet" I told him he had to go get a catscan. He was in his 20's and 6'4" tall, I had my doubts that he was still growing. And even if he were, why would that cause migraines and bloody noses and partial paralysis on one side of his body after he had gone for a run?

So he went for a catscan and when he got the results he called me at work to thank me for telling him tog et one because they found a tumour.

And as some of you may know, he died from it.

Ok - so being that I grew up being a total freak convinced I was dying of a brain tumour and then knowing 2 people that actually died from one (oh scratch that, make that three. Grammy had lung cancer that spread to her brain) you'd think my fear would have grown.

The opposite happened. I started to feel like, hell! if I have one I'll be in good company! Not too mention that it would be FUCKED if another one of us in the same age group from the same area of Langley got sick like them. I'd have to get all Erin Brockovich on everyone's ass.

Ok so this long drawn out post has a point. I've been getting headaches everyday AND I'M FREAKING OUT THAT I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR!

You can't tell me to be rational because I'm not. It's just not my style. I'm an anxious, neurotic, obsessive compulsive, hypochondriac (which is exactly why I never feel like the west coast is my home - you're all so fucking mellow!).

I've been trying to figure out what else it could be. Stress? Well, I'm money-stressed but when am I not? Other than that I feel rather stress free. Not enough water and sleep? I've been increasing my water intake in the last couple of days to test it out and I always get enough sleep. We're talking 9 hours a night at least. Maybe I'm getting too much?

I work in an office. It's been rainy and dreary out moreso lately so the lighting in here hasn't been so good. A lot of my light comes from a skylight above my desk so when it's raining and cloudy it's a lot darker in here. The lights above me are piddly and don't do much.

I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day.

Hmmmm.. maybe it's not a tumour, maybe it's eye strain? But MAYBE IT'S A TUMOUR! I also could have sworn my hearing was cutting out of my left ear yesterday... Jesus murphy!

Alright. I'll just keep my eye on it. I'm being slightly pro-active in that I got a new lamp for my desk that is supposed to mimic natural light and cut down on eye strain, however it's been sunny so I can't really test it because it's bright in here. So far today, no headache though.

But if the the headaches continue then I'm going to my new doctor and revealing to them what a true freak I am and I will demand a catscan!

Ok, that is all, carry on with your day. Tap four times on your ring finger for me!

The plunge!

It's official. I'm getting married.

Ha! Kidding. But Matthew is officially moving in December 1st. Yup, this is something I never thought I would do and yet here I am. It just feels right so I'm following my instincts and we'll be happy living together forever or until we're unhappy.

I love him and his twinkly eyes.

This is all going to be new for me. I've never had to share my personal space with someone and frankly that was the only thing holding me back from making the final decision. Worrying about having someone else's things in my room is just stupid though. I've had my own room for 29 years and when you meet someone you love and want to be with, it seems a bit silly to refrain from moving forward just because you like certain pictures on the wall and things set up a specific way. I'm such a control/neat freak that way. It's a terrible quality.

So in just over a month me and my sweetheart will be all shacked up and living a life of sin! Whoa.

There's one thing worrying me though and that's his parents. Parents always love me and I usually have a great relationship with boyfriend's parents but things are different in this case. I have only met them once and I think his Mom thought I was nice (I think I have a chance with her anyway) but I definitely wasn't scoring any points with his Dad. They are a nice, Mennonite family - polar opposites from my family. Just the way I look alone will get in the way of them (him) really getting to know me I think. Maybe this is my own insecurity, but my gut instincts are usually correct and my gut tells me that his Dad will never like me or give me a chance. This actually really bothers me. I know they will not be pleased to hear that he's moving in with me. They wouldn't be pleased that he was moving in with anyone that he wasn't married to. I worry that this will make it even harder for me to get to know them and for them to give me a real chance and look past the way I look, and the fact that I'm not Mennonite.

It's just that since I usually have an easy time with "in-laws" and we always end up liking each other pretty instantly, this is hard for me. When I look ahead to my future I see Matthew in it. I have always envisioned my future to include having a wonderful relationship with my in-laws, essentially gaining two extra parents. I grew up in a family where my Mom did not get along with my Dad's mom and it made things difficult. I just want a family full of love!

Ok, ok, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and worrying myself into near tears over nothing. This is silly. I've only met them once.

I just hope in the end that what matters is how me and Matthew feel about each other and how happy we are. When they find out that we're moving in together I want them to know that I would never enter into something like this lightly. Ever.

I can be so dramatic sometimes, sheesh!

This guy.

See this guy?



Well, I think it's official... I've lost my boyfriend to him. I can't really be mad though, I mean what's not to like?

When I started dating Matthew I knew that once he and Sean met it might get a little bromantic between the two of them and I was right. Now that Sean is living downstairs, their love has really blossomed.

I've been left in the dust my friends! Tara, it's time we took our friendship to a new level since I have a feeling your boyfriend is in on the action downstairs as well. Let's get married like we always talked about.

Why did I bother?

Listen, I'm fucking starving. Like tapeworm starving. I've been eating all day too so it isn't making much sense. Maybe there's a baby in my tummy. Just kiddin' folks, my vagina is like Fort Knox. Ok, maybe I'm being a little too cocky, I'll knock 4 times on wood right now just in case.

Anyways, seriously, maybe I got a tapeworm last night. Maybe my cat has a tapeworm and maybe he rubbed his ass on my face while I was sleeping. Although judging by the looks of Ferd and I, a tapeworm is probably not the case.

I guess I'm just really hungry for no reason. Or maybe I'm pregnant. Or maybe I have a tapeworm. HA! Sorry, I'm just bored and ravenous so I'm going crazy or something, but mostly I'm just kidding. Well not mostly, completely. Except about the hunger. Man, am I hungry.

John - I was reading the comics in the paper today and I saw one that had a drawing of a woman sitting in a doctor's office and the doctor is standing there saying, "I pretended to run a battery of tests and they came back positive for hypochondria."

I laughed real hard and I thought of you. And then I thought of me. And then I tore it out of the paper so I could keep it on my desk.

Before I go (thank goodness!) may I just point out that our country is pathetic. Nice one Canada. That election was fucking pointless and you're all a bunch of lazy fucks that like to sit around and complain about Stephen Harper and the Conservatives but then you can't get your ass off the couch to go and vote to try and change things. Yeah, way to go. Lowest voter turnout in our history. BALLS!

"It's just you and me." I said to myself.

Since I enjoy my own company I think I'll take myself out on a date tonight. I'm going to go see a movie. Going to the theatre alone is great. Although I love watching movies and I love discussion, I don't always want to talk about a film when it has just ended. I like to think about it for a few days first. Maybe I'll even treat myself to dinner first.

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. If I want to accomplish any of my goals I really need a computer. Get this - I write everything by hand. That just isn't going to fly anymore. However, how one is to get their hands on a computer when they can't afford one is a bit tricky.

I sit on a computer for 8 hours a day at work but my creative juices aren't exactly flowing while I'm here. Also, anything I save here can be read by anyone I work with if they wanted to look for it.

How can I become the famous screenwriter or author I'm destined to be if I write by hand? It's just not going to happen for me. Someone get me a computer, pronto! It doesn't need to be fancy. I just need to be able to write on it! I'd prefer a laptop, please and thank you.

Ugh.

I'm gonna go ahead and start off this post by stating that I had a pretty crappy weekend and last night I had one of the worst sleeps I've ever had. Let me get to why.

The weekend started off fine by going to The Biltmore to see Plus Perfect and to hang out with John, Dave and gang. I can't really have a bad time with them, it is indeed impossible, even if we were sitting in silence, doing nothing, I would still have a good time.

Saturday I woke up feeling much shittier. The cold that was minor turned into the cold that was major. It was insanely windy and wet out. My window pane blew out and our furnace stopped working so I was sick and cold in a house with no heat and a bedroom with no window.

Me, Matthew and Andrew sat down late afternoon to watch a movie. It had just started when there was a knock at our back door. I got up thinking it was Tara but when I answered the door, there stood a woman, in her late fifties/early sixties. She was nicely dressed and soaked to the bone. No jacket or umbrella.

I said hello and she looked at me with confusion. She said she was looking for her friend. I told her she must have the wrong house but I could tell there was something up with her based on her confusion and her speech. I asked her what address she was looking for but it seemed that she couldn't quite comprehend what I was asking her. I asked her if she needed help but she said no. She turned and started walking away and I didn't know what to do so I closed the door. I immediately regretted it. I ran to the front window and looked out to see if I could see her and there she was, walking west. I didn't know what to do. Something wasn't sitting right. Andrew said he could run out and give her an umbrella. She was now out of sight. I stood there fretting for a second. I was just about to run out the door when my phone rang. It was my landlord calling back about my window.

I hurried through the conversation, extremely anxious to get off the phone and out the door. Once I hung up I feared it was too late and she might have gotten out of sight. I ran to my car and started driving down 16th looking for her. It was so rainy and gloomy out it was hard to see anything clearly. Once I hit Cambie and didn't see her I started to worry I wouldn't find her. I didn't know what route to drive in looking for her. I decided to come back down 16th and then I spotted her!

I pulled my car over on Yukon in what could have possibly been the shittiest parking job ever. Basically I was in a position to be hit by any car turning onto the street. I got out and starting running after her. I finally reached her and I said, "Hello, you were at my house not too long ago looking for your friend. Do you know where you're going?" The look on her face told me she clearly did not remember me from 15 minutes previous. She said she knew where she was going. I asked her if she'd like me to walk with her and she replied that she was ok. I told her that I'd like to walk with her but she just smiled absently and said she was ok again and off she went.

I could hear her talking to herself. I didn't know what to do because she needed help, this I was sure of but she wasn't accepting it. My mind was racing as to what might be wrong. Maybe she had alzheimer's and had wandered out of a care home? Maybe she was mentally handicapped and had gotten lost?

I decided I would follow her and make sure she was ok and I would call the police while I was on her tail. I kept back so I wouldn't scare her. I called the police and explained the situation. The man I was speaking with said they were dispatching someone to us but he wanted to keep me on the phone until they got there. The car he was dispatching was a ways away so I followed her for about 40 minutes.

She just walked in circles around the block. Occasionally she would vary it by taking one of the alleys. At one point she walked up to an apartment complex and disappeared for a few minutes. I figured she would go knock on a door and be sent away and turn up again and indeed, within minutes there she was.

Finally I was told that the cops would be there any second in a plainclothes unit. At this point she had turned down an ally but I knew her route so I waited out on 16th so that they could see me. They pulled up and I told them where she was headed and they asked me to wait. I said of course and then they looked at my soaking wet ass and told me that I should go home and that they had my number. I asked them to please call me and let me know what happened.

I walked back to my car which was thankfully in tact. I got home but wasn't really in the mood to watch the movie. I couldn't stop thinking about the woman.

Finally a few hours later the police called me. They were still with her at the hospital waiting for a social worker to arrive. They promised me she was in good hands and thanked me for looking out for her. He said this was the part of his job that made him happy to be a police officer - the times when they get to actually help someone and make a difference.

He couldn't give me too many details but he did reveal that she has the mental capacity of an eight year old and that she had been missing for 24 hours! It was also revealed that she didn't really have a home, that she had been at her brother's. He has a similar condition as her only it's a bit milder so he was able to care of himself but definitely not her as well or any other person for that matter.

He told me that social services would get her into assisted living.

I hung up the phone and started crying uncontrollably. She had no one and no home.

What had she been doing for the last 24 hours? It had been so windy and rainy and cold and she had no jacket or umbrella! She had no food! That poor, sweet woman. I just can't stop thinking about her.

To top of the sadness of that and my cold and the lack of heat and window in my house, my knees started killing me on Saturday night. Out of nowhere. I have never in my life had knee problems but they suddenly hurt like hell. I could barely get up off the couch or out of my bed. It was a struggle to walk up and down stairs. It felt like bone grinding on bone. The only thing I could think that might have caused this was the fact that I'd been running in gum boots on pavement while chasing this woman. Who knows though?

I spent yesterday feeling miserable and still thinking about the woman. My cold was even worse and my knees still ached. I was supposed to go pick Ladyhawk up at the airport in Sean's van but I couldn't so I asked Johnny if he could do it.

So home alone, I put on Annie Hall. If anything was going to cure my bad attitude and achin' body it was that. It helped for a little while until I went to bed and then proceeded to NOT sleep. I tossed and turned. I'd doze off for a half hour or so and then be wide awake again. Worst (lack of) sleep ever.

I'm just trying to make it through the day when I can then go home and lay down for 15 hours.

Vice Presidential Debate

Last night John came over and we watched the Vice Presidential Debate. While we were upstairs doing this, Andrew was downstairs watching the Canadian Election Debate and yelling that we were sellouts. Yes, maybe we are. I know as a Canadian I should be more interested in Canadian politics but this years American Presidential race is just too juicy to ignore. Besides, I know exactly who I'm voting for October 14th (vote NDP bitches!) and the debate wouldn't have changed my mind. Perhaps I'm ignorant in thinking I know enough but anyways... back to the good stuff!

I will give it to Sarah Palin that she exceeded my expectations. When I say she exceeded them, it doesn't mean I like her, it means she didn't trip on her words like I thought and hoped she would. I can see that she impressed the general public and that irritates me.

That being said, I think Joe Biden was the clear winner last night. It is just a fact that he is more knowledgeable and has far more experience than her. He actually answered the questions and she often scurted them.

The thing is, I don't like Sarah Palin and I don't think she should be the Vice President but I can see how people would like her and that worries me. She tries very hard to appeal and seem relatable to middle America. She just has to open her mouth and I'm sure there are millions of people that do in fact think she's a lot like them. But I don't want just any old jack ass (I'm sorry, I'm generalizing) running the most powerful country in the world. I want someone that knows what the fuck they are doing and has the experience to do it.

I also don't want someone that doesn't think abortion should be legal even in the case of rape or incest to be 2nd in charge.

I'm a feminist and would love nothing more than to see a woman in the White House but that doesn't mean I'll support any woman just because we are the same sex. By golly, if this woman makes it in there before my dear, sweet, beloved, intelligent Hillary ever does I WILL RUN THROUGH THE STREETS SCREAMING!!!

It will be a travesty if John McCain and Sarah Palin win this race.

Blogging

Regardless of the fact that I spew forth nonsense crap on here I can't help but feel I'm part of a special little club. Bloggers are so supportive of other bloggers. It's just really nice to see. That even though I may not know these people personally or some are mere acquaintances, they keep coming back and I feel like I have these stranger-friends all over the place.

I wonder what would happen if I actually wrote something of substance?!

Vultures

I don't know how many of you have worked an office job before but if you have you're going to know what I'm talking about.

Have you ever noticed how excited people in an office get over candy?

I'm the office administrator for a production company and let me tell you, when I'm feeling extra nice I'll pick up a tub of candy - nothing special - and holy shit does it get every one going. It's like they've never tasted a ju jube before.

Their reactions are always the same. At first it's surprise... "Oh! Candy!" This is said with a hand at their mouth and a step taken backwards. Then they stare at the tub for some time pondering which colours they should take. They start off slowly, only taking a couple but within minutes they're back inhaling them like they're going out of style.

And before you know it, not even a half hour has passed and the candy is all gone. The vultures return to their desks on a sugar high, soon to come crashing down.

My girl, Britney

I can't believe I didn't even think to mention Britney Spears in my post yesterday! I tuned into the MTV VMA's on Sunday night along with Tara, Johnny, Matthew, Cc and John, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

I've had a long standing love for Britney Spears. I mean, I totally get that most of her music is crap (minus the song Toxic and her latest album which actually kind of rules) but there's something about her. I'm always rooting for the underdog! I guess the love started when her downward spiral started. You know, when she started wandering around with ratty hair, sweatpants and bare feet; when she fucked up and married some jack ass and popped out two kids in no time. I wondered if Britney just didn't give a fuck about what anyone thought (awesome!), or if maybe she had gone a touch crazy.

I can always get behind the mentally ill because girl friend, I have been there! Not Britney bi-polar styles but crazy nonetheless.

Then after everyone started attacking her for being a fatty I became more of a Britney supporter. She was not a fatty! How dare anyone criticize my sweet little loon for being fat when she had a killer bod?! She had two kids in two years motherfuckers!

Anyways, all I really wanted to say was I'm happy to see her getting her life back in order. I can only assume that this has happened due to medication and the help of her father but it doesn't matter how it's happened, just that it's happened.

I find it a bit fishy that after her many years of putting out hits and never winning one of these awards that she takes home three after a few disastrous years but I'll take it. Maybe MTV is just trying to help a crazy bitch out, get her back in biz, stage her comeback! Well, I'm ready!

Give me willpower!

I am so over cigarettes. I've been smoking like crazy lately and this weekend my body decided to revolt. I've developed an annoying cough and my throat's scratchy. I can tell it's not a bug I'm coming down with but the fact that I continue to inhale toxic chemicals into my lungs. I started smoking when I was 25. How fucking stupid is that? I quit last year for 3 months and then I started smoking occasionally. I never bought my own smokes and never smoked during the week but if I was out on the weekend and there were people smoking in my face I would have a drag here a cigarette there. Then a few months ago the smoking increased. I started to feel guilty about always bumming smokes off Tara so I started buying my own packs. Now I'm smoking at least half a pack a day and on weekends it's more like a pack a day.

I DO NOT WANT TO SMOKE.

Why can't it be that simple? I don't want to so I shouldn't. I barely smoked yesterday and today the idea of it makes me want to vomit. I can't stop coughing. I'm hoping my revulsion will last but sadly, I've been here before and the nasty addiction always comes back in full force.

I normally like smoking. That's a big problem. Yes, I hate it right now but I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be craving it again. Because I typically like to smoke it makes it very difficult to stop something when it's constantly in my face. Matthew smokes and we are together always. I live next door to Johnny and Tara and let me tell you, those two can smoke. The new guy that moved in next door also smokes. Leila's moving in and she smokes. Andrew smokes off and on. Every time I walk out my door someone is smoking. And it makes me want one so bad.

This means I'm weak and easily peer pressured. This means I'm a loser. Yup, a big, fat loser who will die of lung cancer just like Grandma.

I'm guessing it's obvious that I'm a bit of a bitter bean today? I've felt unsettled for a week now. I thought I was stressed about money previously and then my bank card got stolen/lost on Wednesday and $300 was taken out of my account before my rent cheque and my MSP cheque cleared. It left me $165 negative with bills still to pay.

I had to take part of a day off work and go downtown to my bank only to be told that I would not get my money back - ever. My Dad had to come into town and give me enough money to put back into my account so my cheques wouldn't bounce. Thank goodness for him or I would've been fucked.

Currently I'm now just waiting to get paid so that I can eat again. Whoever stole my fucking money better have needed it. They better have been fucking starving because that is the only way I can feel ok with it. I guess I"ll never know...

Other than that I can only assume I've been feeling off because my house is in a bit of chaos with all the moving around. Me and Matthew have been sleeping in a mostly empty, dusty room. My bedroom downstairs is a giant mess. I've taken down all the pictures (there where a lot folks) and now I have to pull out all the nails, patch and paint over the bad spots. Upstairs I've finally filled the holes and I'm hoping tonight to put on a coat of primer. If I could just motivate myself to get the painting down I could get all moved up there and settled. I'm giving myself a deadline. I have to have absolutely everything done by Sunday, the 21st.

The good stuff that happened this weekend included Sean coming around and seeming ok. I love Sean. My heart warms every time he is near. I've been really worried about him and just wanting to take care of him but it's been too hard for him to come into my house (his old house) so he's been keeping to himself. On Saturday night though he came over and we all hung out. He slept next door. On Sunday morning he left me a message asking if me and Matthew wanted to get some breakfast. I had stayed at my sister's place the night before so I was in North Van. He came over last night after D&D to sleep over before heading out into the bush for work again this morning. It makes me feel better to have him in my bed (not with me! The bed downstairs) and not sleeping in his van.

He seems to be doing good and he's taking some steps to improve his life I think. He gave his two weeks notice at work so he'll be around more when he's not on tour. That's a huge step for him.

I hope everything works out because I can't imagine a world in which two of my favourite people are not together. I've rarely seen such love as what those two share and I really feel that if they can't make it work than we're all doomed.

Ass piss.

Yesterday I was working away at my desk when the new girl Jennifer came back from a break. She walked through the front door and past me and I could see that there was something very wrong. Her face was red and her eyes were watery and she was swallowing hard. I asked her if she was ok and she started to answer me when she gagged. She tried again, gag. Her eyes started watering even more until there were tears running down her face. She tried spitting out what happened but just kept gagging.

Watching someone gag is really funny.

What I finally got from her before she ran to the bathroom to gag some more or possibly vomit was this:

She went out for a leisurely stroll (I suspect she's a closet smoker because she goes on a lot of these little breaks) and saw a man pull down his pants and sit on a garbage can. There was no one else around and she watched in horror as his face contorted. He saw her see him and I suppose felt the need to explain. "I have diarrhea!" he yelled. She spun around and ran back here to gag in my face for 5 minutes.

To that I say, only in Vancouver!

Brief.

I am home for just a moment really. I'm off to Salt Spring Island tomorrow morning. My trip to Cache Creek with Matthew was beyond perfect. My words will not do it justice but here's a wee peek into what I got to look at all weekend. I might write more about it next week...

Photo evidence, Carmen.

I'm at home from work again today, I came down with a stomach bug. I'd been feeling a bit off for awhile. Sleepy, occasional cold sweats, sore muscles but nothing really came of it until yesterday and boy was I sick. I'm hoping that being sick is why I've been overly irritated. I'm reacting to things differently than I normally would and I don't like it.

I have a friend that I feel has been crossing a line of some sort. It's really starting to bother me but in discussing it with Marcie it's obvious that saying something to her will be of no benefit. So that sucks. I'm just supposed to sit around and accept behaviour I find annoying? Fuck, I dunno. It's bumming me out though.

Yesterday in my sick and agitated state I walked out onto my deck for fresh air and also because my sweetheart was next door on Johnny's deck. I thought seeing his pretty face might make my nausea go away temporarily but he told me he met Rick. WHAT?! I don't think my reaction was great. I think I might have said something to the effect of, "That makes me want to barf." Great. Way to play it cool Amanda. Now that I've thought about it I could give two shits that they met, it just seems weird. Two separate worlds colliding. After playing golf, Travis and Matthew went to eat at Zigs and then Rick was meeting up with Travis so that's how they met, handshakes and all...

Carmen, I got your zine yesterday in the mail. It was splendid of course and unexpected! A nice treat on a shitty day. Thank you!

Ella, I'm back, with something other than you know what to say!

Ok, so that little hiatus didn't last long, right? It's because I got some news. My sister and Fraser are moving out together to have their own little love nest. October 1st. I knew this day would come and I am happy for them but I don't want my sister to go. In all of my 29 years I have only not lived with her for say, 3 years and that was too long. I know we have to grow up and go our separate ways especially when it's time to settle down with our lovers but I kind of secretly wished we'd be together forever.

Thankfully she's not moving out of the Province as she's threatened numerous times. They will be looking for a place nearby. I can handle that. What I can't handle however is the fact that Snuggles will be going with her mom. I love that cat. I can't stand the idea of not seeing her precious little face every day!

The strange thing is that when she said she was moving my gut immediately screamed, MATTHEW! Weird, right? Ok, maybe you guys don't find that weird but I did. For one, I've never wanted to live with a boyfriend, ever. Not even Dan who I dated for a million years and assumed I'd spend the rest of my life with. Not even Rick who I was madly in love with. It's just not my bag of dicks. Or at least it wasn't. I guess when you meet the right person all your stupid bullshit/neurosis goes out the window? WELL. All I could think about was what a cute little life we could make upstairs but because I'm also fairly rational I couldn't ignore the fact that we've only been dating for a MONTH AND A HALF. Yup. So probably not a good idea although Marcie said she thought it was good and we seem right and that I should go with my gut. And as I said, my gut was screaming his name.

I figured I should ignore my gut. Plus there was no saying if he is as crazy as me. He'd have probably said no. BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CRAZY. I still think it would have been good but I chose to be cautious and I asked someone else to move in. Leila! It looks like a go! I feel good about this.

I'm finally making the move by taking the big bedroom upstairs. I've always stayed away from it due to the one window in there that doesn't bring in a lot of light. I need sunshine. These days though, the size of it far outweighs the lack of light. I have a lot of shit. Also, it means I get to start fresh as far as decorating goes.

Because Fraser is moving out of next door that means there's a room open with CC, Johnny and Tara. Know of anyone rad? October 1st, rent is about $400-ish.

Hiatus.

I think I'm going to take a blogging break. I just don't see the point in essentially saying the same thing over and over again in different ways. Yes, I'm extremely happy. Yes, the tall drink of water is my dream man and I have never been more pleased with a relationship. Yes, yes yes! There we have it. That's all I got.

I guess it's summer and I'm smitten so I don't think about much else. I also find that when I'm high on life my creative juices don't flow as much. I'm not even bothered about that right now because I'm having too much fun.

So I'll talk to you all when I have something other than Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, to say.

Love is in the air.

I think I'm singing a different tune on weddings after this past weekend. Growing up I was never one to fantasize about my "dream wedding" if anything the idea revolted me. I never thought I would be nor did I want to be the marrying kind.

Saturday changed that for me. I had never been to a wedding of two good friends before. To see two people that you care about and who love each other madly celebrate their love for one another is truly special. Marriage is not for everyone but it seems right for Darcy and Chantelle and I'm so happy for them.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. We stopped by the orchard earlier to set up our tents and as we pulled in and caught a glimpse of all the chairs set up I started to tear. Jeez! The ceremony was hours away and here I was already feeling emotional. It was like it didn't really hit me until that moment that they were actually getting married.

The property was stunning. A big, sprawling apple orchard on one side with all of our tents set up amongst it and to the right an open field that overlooked a blue-green lake. The tables were set up under a big barn like structure with no walls. There were coloured lanterns hanging everywhere.

Pre-wedding I went to Chantelle's best friend Ashley's house to do her make-up. Melissa did her hair and once Channy was ready to go I could hardly look at her she was so gorgeous. The most beautiful bride you could ever see!

Sean, Marcie and Liz came and picked me up once I was done and we headed to the orchard. It was so nice to see everyone. They all looked so nice and we were all so happy to be there to see our friends get married. Darcy took my breath away. He looked so handsome in a black button down dress shirt with a red rose pinned to it.

We were all signaled to take our seats as Chantelle had arrived. She was escorted down the aisle by her cowboy father and her step dad. The ceremony started and with it my tears. I looked over at Marcie who had claimed she would definitely not cry and there she was, sobbing.

I could continue to ramble on and on about every detail but there's no need for that. Their first dance got me crying again, I thought my heart would burst. All the love made my heart ache for my sweetheart. I wish he could have been there with me to see it all.

The stars were especially bright that night.

I don't even care that it's Monday.

I saw The Dark Knight last night and I am here to tell you that you must run, not walk to the theatre. It was truly spectacular! The 2.5 hours flew by with me on the edge of my seat. It left me wanting more, so much so that I wanted to watch it again immediately after.

I share the same opinion as everyone else who has seen the film: Heath Ledger was phenomenal. He was fascinating. It was pure genius! He played the role of the joker to absolute perfection. It was so beautiful I wanted to weep every time he walked on screen. I left the theatre feeling exhilarated, excited, sad and somewhat temporarily changed. For me, all the signs of an excellent film.

Ok, enough about Batman.

Another great weekend but what else is new? How can my weekends not be thrilling when I'm so smitten? I just have to say it's a wonderful thing to be dating someone that my friends are huge fans of. This is something not every one might think about in a relationship but it means a lot to me. There's really nothing to dislike about him and I think what adds to it is that they see how happy he makes me and how happy we are together. How can you hate on that?

As I suspected, Sean and Matthew hit it off. Marcie was telling me that Sean said to her, "Y'know, if Spanks was going to pick someone for me she picked the right guy." And when we were at Nicole's party on Saturday night he sat down beside me and said, "If I were dating Matthew I'd give him a 10.5 out of 10." Yay! I give him a 10.5 too!

I've decided that I'm a good matchmaker. I'm taking clients. Need love? I'm your woman! I have a knack for putting people together. It's my only talent in life. I had a bit of a success over the weekend and I'm quite tickled about it. Who knows where it will go but I liked seeing smiles on these two beautiful faces.

T minus 4 days until I leave for Kelowna to celebrate Darcy and Channy's wedding. I finally found a fucking dress. What a relief! It's really not my style but it hit a point where I just didn't care anymore. It's decently flattering on my body type and it's comfortable and it will be cool in the heat and I'm covered up enough in it that I'm not totally self conscious. Sweet baby jesus!

Good weekend!

My weekends seem to be getting better and better. I think I'm in for one of the best summers I've had in a very long time!

Went to the Vancougar show on Friday night and on Saturday morning I got up when Matthew left for work. It was so nice out and no one else was up yet so I took my book and went to lay out on the hammock. Snuggles caught my attention. She was up on the deck staring intensely down at the stairs that lead to the laundry room. She ran over there and the next thing I see is her coming up with a mouse in her mouth. She seemed very proud to have caught me something so lovely.

I know she's a cat and cats hunt mice but my first reaction was to yell, "Snuggles, noooooooo!" This startled her. You could tell it was not the reaction she was expecting from me. She took off with the very alive mouse and ran straight into the house. I got up and ran into the house yelling, "Fuck, fuck, fuck" over and over. I did not want her to let go of the mouse in the house! I thought maybe I could chase her back out but to no avail. She ran under the little table beside the couch and I couldn't see what she was doing. I paced out onto the deck wondering what I should do when Tara came outside. I told her to get over here right now because Snugs had a mouse. I walked back inside and I heard the grossest sound. It was Sunggles chewing away at the mouse. It was slurpy and crunchy and it made me want to throw up. Tara went over to the couch and pulled everything off the side table and lifted it up which prompted Snuggles to run out. Tara yelled and jumped back and told me not to look. Snuggles had eaten the head right off the mouse!

I ran outside and Tara went in to wake Johnny and ask him to come over and clean up. What a nice way to wake up! He came out with a bunch of paper towel but when he went inside Snuggles had eaten the whole mouse! There were only a few drops of blood left on the floor.

I still can't believe how gross that sound was of her chewing the mouse head. It will be forever burned into my memory. I just never thought of Snugs as a killer, she's such a gentle little soul! Even Ferd doesn't eat the mice like that. He just kills them and leaves them sitting around.

That evening Matthew came over and we ate mushrooms and wandered around and lay on the grass at the park. It was fantastic. When we made it back to my house we were sitting on the back deck in the dark when I saw Snuggles chasing another mouse! Great. Luckily it got away but clearly she's developed a taste for blood.

Yesterday me and M. slept in and then went out to his parent's house in Coquitlam so he could meet someone that was going to buy his scooter. His parents are out of town but I met his brothers. We went out for lunch and then went to some park for disc golf. We made our way back to the city and his house for a bit and then along with his roomie Adrian, drove out to Deer Lake Park to see the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra. I loved it! I'm so glad we went.

And now here I am. Sleepy on a Monday. What else is new?

I ran into Duffy this morning on the way to work! They got back Saturday night and they're here for 5 weeks! It's about time!

I'm going to try and get some sleep this week... maybe. And I will this week to hurry by so that the time will come for me to see THE DARK KNIGHT! I've been waiting a muthafuckin' year for this!

Hi Matthew.

Ok, I said I wasn't going to mention him but this is different. Turns out the tall drink of water has a way with words. Tricky little bugger! I got to hear some of it last night and I thought my heart might explode (did I say heart? I meant vagina).

If you like GOOD poetry then may I point you this way: Correspondence With Roger Mexico.

Jonathan Richman...

..is adorable and made me cry last night.

Sometimes I hate this thing.

I feel like taking a break from blogging. I doubt I will since I have so much time on my hands at work but you never know. It's the same old story, I love writing but I feel this blog gives me an excuse to write shit. I started it so that I could put my "real" writing out into the world but that hasn't happened. I don't know what I'm scared of... judgment maybe? Yes, I suppose that's it. But if I cared about what people were going to think than you'd think I'd have stopped writing all the nonsense shit on here a long time ago.

I don't know what's up this morning but I'm in a weird mood. Reflective maybe? Melancholy? I'm running on little sleep. I think I have a new bedtime. My body is slowly adjusting to staying up way past 10pm. I think it's good for me to be sleepless and happy sometimes. I feel high on a daily basis.

I've decided that as much as it's tempting for me in the moment to write about the tall drink of water I don't think I will anymore. It's so my nature to share everything. I'm an open, honest person. I like to talk. I like to discuss things. I like to share my opinions. I think though that this time is precious for me and I will keep it to myself. I will record every moment in my journal. I will share my secrets with Tara and Marcie. I will smile to myself.

I feel extremely happy but the flip side is that I also feel extremely vulnerable and that's why I must keep things to myself.

Am I making sense? Probably not.

No reason.

I feel drugged, in the most positive way.

Despite my extreme pickiness and despite my typical loner attitude and despite my usual avoidance of hanging out with the opposite sex and despite the fact that every time I meet a guy I find them sort of un-interesting and despite the fact that my insecurity is somewhat crippling; I think I am developing a case of the warm fuzzies. Oh shit! How did this happen?! I always have my guard up!

The 24 hour period between Saturday and Sunday evening was perfect.

I'm smiling like a goddamn fool.

Fake it 'til you make it.

I think the ghost is back. About a month ago I started feeling the vibe but brushed it off. Now in the last few nights every time I get into the bath tub with a book, the light flickers on and off. This is a brand new bulb. It never flickers when me and my sister are in the bathroom any other time. Just when I'm in the tub. And last night while I was in there, it flickered a few times and then it just went out for about 2 minutes. I put my book down since this left me in complete black. Then it just came back on. Curious, very curious. I guess it's time to get out the white candle and light it above the fireplace so whoever it is that's lost can find their way out.

Friends and lovers

I have a friend, Jim, who rules. Hard. He lives in Montreal and I don't get to see him very much but I never forget how totally fucking dude rad he is. I met Jim when I was 16 years old on December 18th, 1996 at the Langley Civic Centre during a punk rock show. The reason I know the date is that it was the day before I started dating Dan. Jim is one of those people that makes you feel warm all of the time. His creativity is contagious and he never ceases to make me laugh. He's also a total babe. So it's no shock that I fell for him. Well, I thought I fell for him. I find that when I fall hardest for someone and pine away for them it's because I feel that I can 100% be myself around them. Usually it means they're just as weird as me.

There was a point during me and Dan's relationship that I felt so strongly that I might be in love with Jim that I felt I had to end things between us. I didn't know if I would have the balls to tell Jim how I felt and overall I was just incredibly confused. I decided that the best plan of action was to ignore my feelings. Maybe I was just looking for an escape? After all I was in a long term relationship and I was still so young.

I never said a word. I wasn't sure what it was I felt for Jim exactly but I felt "it" for years.

Well, one day we were actually both single at the same time. I was going to Victoria to visit him and Matt on Cedar Hill Road in their crusty basement suite that we all affectionately called "the down". I was sort of nervous because I didn't know if I would lose all control and start jabbering gibberish and make a fool of myself.

At night we climbed into bed and snuggled as we always do when we're together and it's bedtime. I felt nothing. Any thought of smooches and love were completely gone from my mind. The only thing I felt confident of was that me and Jim were JUST MEANT TO BE FRIENDS!!! It was all so clear to me. The idea of us being anything more just seemed wrong. I realized in true Amanda fashion that possibly I only wanted what I couldn't have. Fuck. How annoying is that?

From that day on I never thought of Jim in a romantic way again. I oddly ended up hooking up with Matt a bit (and I never would have thought that would have happened previously) and let me tell you, THAT FELT RIGHT! Anyways. I don't know why I added that in, it was unnecessary but talking about Jim reminded me of Matt and I couldn't not mention the fact that once upon a time I wanted to marry him or go get lost in a rowboat with him or something.

So there was actually a point to this long winded story... I was hanging with Liz last night and we naturally got to talking about boys. We are, or I guess were in the same boat of falling in love with a best bud and having them not love you back. Harsh. Not a good feeling. It's a tough pill to swallow since they think you're so great so you wonder why they can't just like, love you and shit.

What I was wondering though: is it better to have had a taste or nothing at all? She had a taste and I got nothing. Sometimes I think it's better that way but then....

See, I'm very much one of those people that can have one kiss with someone and know if it feels right to me or not. I won't usually smooch or have sex just for the sake of it. If I kiss you and it feels funny or uncomfortable I won't kiss you again. I like fireworks. Big fan of explosives over here. So in my case where I never got a taste paired with the fact that I always want what I can't have I just feel it's sort of dumb that I never got in one measly little kiss. That way there I would have known if all my pining was even worth it. Maybe one kiss and I would have had a Jim moment (although we didn't kiss) and realized that I only wanted to be his friend. Maybe one kiss years ago and I would have been done with my crush.

Or not. I mean the flip side is that maybe it would have been fantastic and I would have been in even more of a pickle. But c'mon, we're both such fucking awkward geeks that it's not like a kiss would have been in any way smooth for us. It would have been horrible thus ending my long, long crush.

I don't know why I'm talking about this. Well, I do I guess. Because me and Liz were talking about this sort of shit and comparing stories. It sucked for both of us though so no sense in comparing bad and bad.

Good mail makes my heart swell.

Nothing turns a bad day around like coming home and finding good stuff in the mail box! I walked home at lunch and there waiting for me was a big fat letter from Daniel and Carmen's zine! Woo hoo!

I made my lunch quickly so I could get started on the letter. It was good stuff, filling me in on life in Montreal and various little trips he's taken. It was a positive letter. Me and Daniel are very similar. We can easily get side tracked by severe depression and anxiety and we both lean pretty heavy on the hopeless romantic side. We went through life changing heartbreak around the same time and would share our pain with one another. Since we both think the same it was wonderful to have another human to be able to wallow with and to feel understood and not judged. To be able to give and receive advice. This positive letter was a big step as past letters have been so sad. I am so happy that he's happy. It's true what they say, time really does heal. I'm sure that's something we both would have scoffed at a year ago. I think we also like to hold on to pain. As silly as that sounds I think it's true. We didn't want to let go. We didn't feel strong enough and we certainly didn't feel deserving of happiness. But look at us now! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

He mentioned doing some cathartic things to let go of past loves and that's exactly why I had to make my zine. It was my way of saying good bye and letting go of pain and saying hello to the future. It was good for my head and my heart to remember good times. Granted it was mostly good times with all of them and I only felt a real broken heart with one of them.

Oh love! Maybe one day I can handle you again. For now I will continue on in the romantic dreamland that is my head.

So, as soon as I walked out the door I cracked open But It's Easy. Just Wake Up, By Carmen Wagner.

I walked slowly so that I could read it all before I reached work. This proved difficult as I can't read and travel in any way without feeling sick, not to mention it was raining (surprise, surprise) so I was also carrying an umbrella. I managed to finish it though and I loved it! This was just Volume 1 in a 4 part series so I anxiously await the rest! Carmen is a very talented writer and artist living in Toronto and I suggest you check out her zine and if you want something immediate check out Hey Mama.

The end result.

Remember how I told you about the photo shoot at my work and the extreme torture I went through? Well, I saw the results. Three of them anyways... I only feel good about one of them which you can see below. I don't think they'll pick that one though just because it's a side shot and my lip ring is pretty prominent.

Camera shy

Today at work we had someone doing mini photo shoots with each of us for our new website. I have been dreading it for the week since I found out and when it was my turn today I got all shy, nervous and sweaty. It was actual torture for me. I would have rather had someone cut my fingers off one by one.

I am unphotogenic, probably because it makes me uncomfortable so I get tense and blinky and weird. The only time photos turn out semi ok of me is when I take them myself because there's no one for me to get shy around or if someone snaps one unexpectedly and catches me off guard. FUCK. It was so brutal for me. Wah wah wah. My life is so hard.

The day was going pretty good aside from that and then I checked my voice mail and there was a message from my roommate Andrew who is away tree planting. The gist of it was that one of his bank accounts closed and the rent cheques will probably bounce. Did I mention that he sounded really nonchalant about it, like it was no big deal? He also threw in that there was no way for me to get a hold of him and then the message was cut off. I just sat at my desk completely dumbfounded. I am not rich. I do not have the money to cover him. Not too mention I have a good relationship with my landlord and have never paid my rent late... because I'm a RESPONSIBLE ADULT! I am so fucking pissed off about this. I just spoke to my sister and she's fuming now too. Does he think I can just magically pull the money out of my ass? Well I can't. In this moment I'm mad enough that I'd like to go home and throw all of his belongings outside. I know my sister feels the same. It's just that since he moved in, he pays less rent so me and my sister are each paying $70 more than him a month and it's not worth it. He doesn't do anything to contribute to the deal other than contribute more mess and noise. And now this. Guh!

Yes, I'll have an extra large veggie black cock with a side of balls please. Oh, and a coke!

In spite of a late night and early morning I'm surprisingly awake and upbeat. I thrive on getting copious amounts of sleep but last night I just couldn't will myself to get sleepy, I was too hyped up and feeling social.

On Friday I drank 3 big white russians in the span of about 10 minutes before heading out to the Cpc Gangbangs show. Needless to say I was feeling tipsy and tired by the time I got there and just hoping that my second wind was going to kick in. I managed to make it most of the evening and it turned out to be a great night.

Saturday was a busy day. I did Cc and Eden's make-up for a Vancouger photo shoot. I also went out to Langley with Marcie to hang out with Kayden, my sweet little pea. He's almost crawling! I wish you all could meet this little dude. He has the most beautiful smile and the biggest, softest cheeks that seem to be made for nuzzling. We partied with that guy until he went to sleep at about 8pm and then me and Marcie watched a movie, some SNL and then went to bed. Very reminiscent of an elementary school sleepover minus the baby portion I suppose.

Sunday was spent at my Mom & Dad's just lounging around and eating all their food. My Dad drove me back into town and I just spent the evening hanging out with Tara, Johnny and Matthew. Matthew is this very nice, tall, thin, bearded man with warm, twinkly eyes. I'm not sure if they're naturally that twinkly or if it's just because maybe he smokes a lot of pot. It's hard to say really but I think it might be natural. I like meeting new people and making new friends. It's so great when you feel immediately comfortable in another's presence. When I feel that I always discover that the person is genuine. And I personally think there aren't enough genuine people in this world.

Anyways. I couldn't make myself go to bed so I just stayed up. And then when I finally thought, "I'm sleepy!" I just lay there, tossing and turning and thinking. Only good thoughts though but any sort of thought tends to prevent sleep. And I just love to think so falling asleep is sometimes tricky. Thank goodness for my run this morning or I would probably be a zombie right now!

I wish I was going home to someone cooking me a nice meal followed by lounging in front of a good movie. I still feel like being social but I'm also feeling lazy.

Warm hearts

Let's focus on the positive, shall we?

+ New flower garden!
+ New Venus Flytraps!
+ New camera (almost)!
+ New patio set for the backyard!
+ Disneyland in August!
+ Duffy, Sean, Darcy and Ryan are almost home!
+ It feels like Summer!

I decided to make the above list because I need to adjust my bad attitude. And I've learned a few things over the weekend:

1. Stay out of the sun
2. Gardening is good for the soul
3. Boys will often disappoint so don't bother getting excited about them
4. Snuggles is lazy
5. Cell phones suck
6. Brandon Walsh is way cooler than Dylan Mckay

Wha happened?

People don't date anymore. People fuck and then one day they're a couple. I was just staring up and out the skylight in a daze when I started thinking about this.

Do people actually ask others out on dates anymore? If they do, it isn't happening in my circle of friends. Oh wait, all of my friends are taken. BUT, I remember that these relationships didn't start with one of them asking the other to go on a date. They typically started while partying and ending up in bed together. If it went well and they had a good time then they did it all over again the next weekend and so on and so on. Then one day, a few months down the line you have "the talk", the are we or are we not bf and gf. It's all so annoying.

I just hope that when the time comes that I meet someone I like and think I could be with and that if they feel the same way that we go on some dates, real honest to goodness dates. I don't want my next relationship to start off in my bed. I want there to be sweet first kisses at the front door under the stars. Is that too much to ask?

I guess that's up to me.

Eat more garlic!

I remember years and years ago reading through the liner notes in an old Submission Hold tape and something that I believe Jen wrote (maybe it was Andy, who knows) really stuck with me. It was something about how homeless people are out on the streets for a reason, they probably didn't choose their situation and we should always at least give them a smile.

I agreed and I still think about that a lot. In the 12 or so years since then I have always done just that. Even if I don't have any change to spare I always have a smile and a hello. Especially in my neigbourhood where I pass by the same people multiple times a day. This isn't just my neighbourhood, it's ours to share, the only difference being that I have a roof over my head and they have the Vancouver skies over theirs.

I have now passed along something that stuck with me and I hope that it now sticks with you.