I've been freaking out a bit on the inside about life lately. More specifically my future and it's causing me to be mean to my boyfriend I think. Dammit! I think subconsciously I've been scared for awhile now and it's coming to the surface.
Like since when did I start freaking out that my time is running out to have babies? Seriously, what the fuck? I don't even want kids right now! This is so typical and cliche that I'm actually embarrassed about it. But I'm a woman, I love babies and I can make babies and I'm getting older so that damn clock is ticking whether I fucking like it or not! I want to throw this clock out the window and smash it on the pavement.
I guess why it's been on my mind so much is that I'm in love with someone five years younger than me. We see ourselves together in the future and we both want kids. So I guess that means we're making babies together at some point. SCARY! Anyways, the whole age thing is maybe what's getting to me. He plans on going back to school in the fall. He will be there for at least four years and on student loans the entire time.
This means I will be at least 34 when he gets out and we will be in great debt.
The above sentence is what scares me and is driving me bat shit crazy and is making me be mean to my boyfriend and push him away.
Bad Amanda. Stop being a freak! And stop sharing your inner most thoughts on the internet! And stop talking about yourself in third person because you're coming across even crazier now!
By the way, I'm sure this post is making it seem that I'm freaking out waaaaay more than I actually am and that I'm being waaaaaay meaner to my bf than I actually am. It's just been on my mind a bit, it's not taking over my life or anything and I'm not yelling at Matthew or punching him in the face or anything. I'm just telling him he can't live his dreams or whatever. Ha!
Sheesh.
long day.
6 hours ago
10 comments:
"This means I will be at least 34 when he gets out and we will be in great debt. "
My mother was 27 when she had me, and I have two older sisters. She was thirty-one when she became a single mom, and that was the point when she was working at the bar and going to school to be a nurse. She was in her mid-thirties when she finished school, in debt. She managed to raise us extremely well. It's doable! Really, really doable! You may have to make some lifestyle changes, but doesn't that happen naturally when having children anyways?
The world needs people like you guys to have kids for the future, otherwise we're gonna be stuck with some shitty children from some crazy fucked up rich family and it's going to ruin everything as we know it!!
People of all incomes all over the world have babies...it works out, for the most part. I feel like people now feel guilty having a baby unless they already have a trust fund for it, this wasn't the case even 50 years ago. My mom was in University with 4 kids! we all turned out ok, if I do say so myself. It will be kind of hard no matter what, but everyone will be fine, no one will die .and you would be a great loving mom. Priceless.
Aw, thanks guys! I get what you're saying for sure. I guess maybe I'll stop taking the pill as of tonight and we can get started. Leila, you don't mind adding babies to the already small quarters we're living in, right? My babies can share your room with you. Perfect.
Also, I'm totally kidding about going off the pill tonight - just in case anyone had doubts. AAAAHHHHHH!
My husband is also five years younger than me. Yes, he was out of school and already way ahead of me career wise, but that's just the way it happened to be. What L said really made sense. After all, people of all incomes have kids, and manage to make it. It isn't limited to only people who are "settled," and let me tell you, no matter how anyone's finances are, they can't help but wonder if it's the "right" time. We had just bought a shiteous house that I couldn't imagine ever being able to afford to rehab, and six months later was pregnant with my first -- for which I couldn't imagine being able to keep in diapers. But it all worked out.
I was 36 with my first, 38 with my sencond. One of my neighbors had HER second at 45 (her first was at 39). Not so unusual these days, which is assuring!
Thanks Cheryl. It is reassuring knowing that woman are having children older and older these days. I guess another reason I freak though is that I've always had this strange feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids or that it would be hard for me. My Mom and Dad got married at 19 and kept trying to have kids. I'm the first born and my Mom didn't have me until she was 26. That's a lot of years of trying! I mean, who's to say that those sorts of things run in families though, I'm just paranoid. Also, in my younger, stupid years with my first serious boyfriend, I never had a single pregnancy scare.
So the point of this long winded response is that I fear that it will take me a long time to get pregnant - if ever - and I don't want to start too late in case it takes years. AAAAHHHHH.
sure! I don't mind. we can just put it in a hanging basket/hammock type deal...save our precious floor space.
I think that it is better that you will have debt when you start having babies.....then maybe you won't notice the huge debt they create as much!!! ;)
I agree. If you wait for the "perfect" time, you will be waiting forever. I'm not saying run home and make it happen, but ease up on yourself. When it's right, you will know. In the mean time keep hitting the snooze button on that clock.
I shared your fears about not being able to have them once we were ready. As you know, our parents tried for YEARS before they got pregnant. So naturally I wondered if it would be the same for me. Have faith. I was pregnant within 2 weeks!
And until that time, continue to be the great Auntie that you are to Kayden.
Same thing with me. My parents tried to have kids for years (which included a couple of surgical procedures for my mother). My brother was born after seven years of trying, and I followed three years later. Meanwhile, I got pregnant first try with both kids. Of course, my husband loves to credit his "swimmers" for that. Typical.
I totally get this.
I'm turning 32 next week, and have no kids yet.
When I was 29 I started freaking out. Let me say, i'm a pretty level headed and cool person, but let me tell you- I went off the fuckin handle... crying and getting mad at my boyfriend. I think that I actually stamped my feet at one point and yelled : "i want a f'ing baby! NOW!", well, that last word was more of a low and terrifying growl... anyways, my sister had a baby and then I was cool, the baby craving wore off. I still want kids, but the more seriously I thought about it, the more I realized that I had a lot more things that I wanted to do first, sans enfant.
and I think that the money, the debt thing, that'll work out. 'cause everyone is in debt, tis the way of the world these days. the right time is the right time for you, whenever that ends up being.
Shanna - I will hope for your luck one day of getting pregnant in 2 weeks and then giving birth to a very cool dude.
Cheryl - my boyfriend is a serious stoner (but still very intelligent!) so my guess is his swimmers are duds.
Bryn - I don't know you but picturing you yelling, "i want a f'ing baby! NOW!" is pretty funny/awesome!
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